Hi Sanufal, I have read your essay closer and found a few suggestions for improving yours.
In the first paragraph, you successfully rephrase the statement and question. Following that, you have shown what you will elucidate in the body paragraph serving in the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. However, you still made minor errors grammatically. Pay attention to the subject-verb agreement especially the third singular person.
Turning to your body paragraph, you actually can deliver your idea with full explanation supported by strong sentences.However, your logic flow didn't attend well there.
Morever, the most influential of the its decleaning is that a lot of the traveller do not understand about the local tradition. Because of that, many different life styles from outside easily mix with the local tradition.
Those explanations couldn't support each other. In fact, those should still relate to the first idea. You didn't review what happens if foreigners do not conceive the inhabitant rules. You offer an idea,but you were reviewing another idea. If you do continuously, your score for coherent will fall down. Keep your idea so that you present the idea and let the first become vague.
Besides, you use the same linking words many times although there are a variety of transitive words. Also, you are supposed to pick the appropriate linking words to produce move smoother.
Hopefully, my notes can help you and are always remembered for improvement next term.