Hi! This is my Toefl writing task 2, please help me with this essay.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Traveling plays a crucial part in our lives, for it not only helps us relieve stress but also broadens our horizons. However, whether people should explore their home country or other countries remains controversial. In my opinion, traveling abroad is more beneficial than traveling locally. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will discuss in the following paragraphs.
First of all, it is the best way to learn a new language. Visiting a foreign country provides us with the opportunity to immerse ourselves in their language, which enhances our vocabulary as well as speaking fluency. For instance, last summer, I had a journey to Japan. It was a fascinating experience. Everyone around me speaks Japanese, and almost everything, from the menu in the restaurants, to the instruction signs in libraries or other public places, to the advertising pinned up around towns, is all written in this language. Hence, I have the chance to expand my vocabulary and practice my speaking skills. Having spent a few months in the native country, I no longer find it difficult to express my ideas in Japanese. As a matter of fact, I am now able to communicate clearly and coherently and be confident in my language ability. That is how traveling to a foreign country can benefit us in learning a second or third language.
Second, traveling overseas allows us to explore a variety of cultures around the globe. Not all people on this Earth share the same lifestyle. Each country, each region has its own unique lifestyles. Thus, Stepping foot in foreign lands will open our minds and offer us a different look about the world. For example, my family once had a vacation in Egypt. We gained a great deal of knowledge about their history, people, and traditions. We were surprised to listen to stories about ancient Egypt from local people. In addition, we also participate in many special rituals and interesting festivals, which left me with unforgettable memories. It appears that the cultural barrier is completely removed. The deeper understandings I have of them, the more I admire and appreciate their civilization. That is the reason why it is better for people to travel abroad.
In conclusion, I believe that international travelling brings more advantages than domestic traveling because it creates a perfect environment to study a new language and also helps us explore many exotic cultures around the world.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 While you did write an extremely interesting essay, I believe that you lost track of time. You wrote a research paper rather than an opinion paper. An opinion paper is written within 250-290 words. A research paper is anywhere from 300-500 words. Writing up to 290 words will be possible within 40 minutes, 401 words, not so much. Stick to the opinion paper word count for the Task 2 essay. The advised length is within the 275-290 word count. Trust me, you will thank me for this advice.
Your essay is over explained. You need to discuss within no more than 3-5 sentences per paragraph. That means, the target sentence count is anywhere from 20-25 sentences, depending upon if you are writing a 4 paragraph (20 sentences) or 5 paragraph (25 sentences) essay. You need to explain yourself quickly but clearly. Do not over emphasize, you need to watch the time allotment. Writing too many words means you will run out of time to edit your work.
You also need to remind yourself of your tense usage. In this essay, you are referring to a previous time you had spent in Japan. So use the past frame work of sentence presentations. By the way, you are not Japanese, so you cannot say "having spent time in the native country". A native is someone who was born and raised in Japan. You merely spent time "in the country" since you were not born in Japan. There is a big difference between the two reference phrases.
Your opening paragraph is not an accurate paraphrase of the original discussion. You actually began discussing the topic in that paragraph which is not the way to go. That paragraph is used only to show off your English comprehension skills and your ability to restate information using an English thought process. Hence:
Going to other countries often has positive results for most folk. However, there are others who believe that there are more gainful experiences to be had by traveling within their own nation. Having spent time in Japan, I am more in agreement with the belief that there are more notable results for people who experience life in other regions of the world.
The example above is a better representation of the original prompt and discussion instructions.
Your conclusion is good, but represents a run-on sentence. Divide it. You have to make sure to meet the sentence requirements per paragraph. Make sure that you clearly restate the original prompt before you present your opinion and reasons in that section. You have to do that because it is a new paraphrase of the original topic and your discussion reasons.
