hello everyone, I am an ielts learner. I need your help, can you correct my essay and give estimated score? thank you!!
Topic: do you agree or disagree with the following statement the internet has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
My essay:
In modern society, the internet has been perhaps the most outstanding innovation in the field of communication. Some claim that the popularity of the internet will lead to damage to their communication skills. However, in my opinion, the internet is just a different way to communicate. I would like to state the benefits of the internet in communication and the difference between the internet and other communicating methods.
First of all, the internet has bought so much convenience to our communication. Compared with the postal service which was used widely decades ago, there are a wide range of services in offering in the internet, such as email, online chatting and messenger services. Moreover most of them are normally free for their users. Therefore, it can be seen that we can communicate in a fraction of second with a friend, who is sitting in the other part of the world.
However, there are definitely some differences between the internet and traditional communication manners, which can contribute to the estrangement between the adolescents and their family. Since people at different ages have different favoured communication manners, it uneasy for those who get accustomed to writing letters to type an email just like a young person does. But this drawback is not the one that could not be deal with. Actually, among the increasing number of internet users in china, there is certain proportion of elderly people.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that the application of the internet will be more and more prevalent, especially in the area of communication. It can be expected that in the visible years, the internet will be the main platform of communication, although it has not been accepted by every person yet.
Your essay is well written with strong arguments. There are just some minor errors that I want to correct :)
... the difference between the internet and other communicating methods (this may not be wrong, but why don't you use 'communication methods' instead. It sounds much more conventional to me.)
First of all, the internet has brought so much convenience to our communication.
... there are a wide range of offered services in the internet, such as ...
Since people at different ages have different favoured communication manners, it is uneasy for those who ...
But this drawback is not the one that could not be dealt with. .
... the application of the internet will be more and more ...
PS: remember to capitalize I nternet
I would like to state the benefits of the internet in communication and the difference between the internet and other communicating methods.---- make this sentence the first sentence of paragraph 2. At the end of paragraph one, replace it with a sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA of the whole essay.
Like this:
In modern society, the internet has been perhaps the most outstanding innovation in the field of communication. Some claim that the popularity of the internet will lead to damage to their communication skills. However, in my opinion, the internet is just a different way to communicate. (Add a thesis statement that says clearly the reason why you do not agree with people who say the Internet destroys communication)
I would like to state the benefits of the Internet in communication and the difference between the Internet and other communicating methods. First of all, the ...
THE ABOVE CRITICISM is actually not so important. I just think your thesis statement could be better if it summed up your reasoning. Pretend that some people will only be able to read the last sentence of your first paragraph and will not be able to read the whole essay. End that paragraph with a perfect sentence to make your point. :-)
The conclusion paragraph is all about what will happen in the future: In conclusion, there is no doubt that the application of the Internet will be ... ---- this has nothing to do with the argument you are making. Change that last para to be about the change in communication and the fact that CHANGE is always happening. Change does not = destruction. Know what I mean? Don't waste that last paragraph talking about the future of the Internet. Use it to reinforce your argument.
