Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Writing Task 2: The Internet has as many disadvantages as it does advantages.


trungkienpeter 2 / 5  
Aug 27, 2017   #1
Writing Task 2: The Internet has as many disadvantages as it does advantages. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Response:

evaluation of the internet



Since the Internet was created by revolutionary men in 90's it became an indispensable thing in our life. Moreover, it changed the way we live, the way we work completely in both positive and negative ways by its advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, the Internet brings more benefit for us than damage in every aspect.

Firstly, the internet helps us more efficient in working by its outstanding abilities about time and space. The speed of connection's internet faster and faster in every day that transports the information between us more quickly and efficiently in every distance on Earth. For example, before the Internet became common, we had sent a fax through telegraph line, it took us at least few days came to the receiver. Now it just takes a few minutes to send an email.Secondly, the internet has ability to connect people in everywhere. People can communicate more easily without coming in the real through an online network. Finally. The Internet makes a lot of money for us by selling the products in online, it helps buyers shopping easily. It creates a new channel to boost revenue.

In the contrast, the Internet has some major disadvantages. when it became common it makes us more openly by publishing our personal information such as identity, account bank and so on. The internet becomes a tool to steal that by some hackers to using with bad purposes. Moreover, the Internet can be addictive, especially to young people who always need communicate with others by using too much that takes a lot of their time.

In the conclusion, the internet is undisputable bring a huge benefit to our life however, it also has bad effect to our health. We need aware of both sides to take its advantages and restrict the negative effect of its disadvantages.

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 27, 2017   #2
Kien, in this essay, you misunderstood the prompt instructions regarding its discussion format. I can understand why you were a bit confused as to how to discuss the essay because you were given two opinions that exist in reference to this particular discussion. The mistake that you made was that you created a comparison essay in response to the prompt. I believe you made that mistake because you were asked to "agree or disagree" with the statement. This seems to trip up most of the students who have to write this essay. They usually end up writing a comparison essay like you did. Let me let you in on a little secret. In this particular prompt, the word "OR" is very significant because it asks you to make one choice for your response. After you make a choice, you have to only write about that opinion that you chose to support. That makes writing the essay a lot simpler don't you think? You don't have to write about 2 discussions, just one. In the essay that you wrote, you need to adjust 2 portions in order to make it more prompt compliant.

The first change you have to make, is in the opening statement. In the discussion instruction sentence at the end of the paragraph, just say you agree with the statement instead of saying that there are reasons why the internet brings more benefits. You can say something like;

Based upon certain personal considerations, I would like to discuss the extent of my agreement with this statement in the following paragraphs.

That is actually the expected discussion instruction which is also the thesis statement for your essay. That completes the opening statement outline.

The next thing you have to change, is the third paragraph that created the comparison discussion in your essay. Stick to the agreement discussion by offering another line of discussion that allows you to further strengthen your support of the statement. This could be something along the lines of a personal experience, popular opinion, or something else. Whatever it is, just make sure that it supports the thesis statement that you presented.

Finally, the concluding statement follows the platform of a comparison essay. Based upon the points for correction I have given you above, it should be easy for you to guess what changes you need to make in that particular paragraph right? I know you can do it :-)
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 27, 2017   #3
1) You use the wrong tense in the first sentence. Since... has been...
2) Use plural form for 'benefit' and 'damage', mate.
3) You did not answer to what extent you agree or disagree with the opinion. You just state that there are more advantages than drawbacks. This will influence your task response score.

4) Check your usage of preposition.
5) Your way of expressing ideas is still cumbersome. Sometimes, I have difficulty understanding your view. This need to be fixed; otherwise, your score will be lowered.

6) There are grammatical errors. Fix them! They are serious problems.
7) You misunderstood the topic. It asked you to tell whether you are in favour of the idea or not and to what extent, not list the pros and cons. Of course, you can list them in order to prove your view; however, you must also answer the question directly. I can see that you are disagree with the view, but you have to write it down and then describe your further ideas to back up your opinion.
OP trungkienpeter 2 / 5  
Aug 28, 2017   #4
@Holt
Thank you a lot. I'm very appreciate . I'll try again.


Home / Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: The Internet has as many disadvantages as it does advantages.