PLEASE CHECK FOR ME MY TOEFL ESSAY. THANKS
Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to so much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Internet has becomes one of the most powerful media in the world. Almost people nowadays can access to it without any help or assistance. I think that internet really provides people with a lot of valuable information that can help them in their lives or their professional careers. There are a lot of factors that lead to put the internet in the first place to seek information.
First of all, people are not more patient, they want an easy way to get information. There are a lot of sources of information but the internet can be considered as the easiest source to provide the information needed. People have only to write their key of research and than the internet will research and give them the information they need. On the other hand people have not to try other methods or alternatives to get the information as they do before. They do not have to go to the libraries and search for the information by reading books. They have not also to ask other persons about the information that they need.
...
Internet has becomes ..
Almost all people nowadays can access to - or can get access to - it without any help or assistance.
First of all, people are not more patient; they want an easy way to get information. - I think, it would sound better: ' Internet provides the quikest access to available information'.
There are a lot of sources of information, but theInternet can be considered as the easiest source to provide the necessary information needed
People have only to write their keys of research, and then the internet will research and give them the information they need.
On the other hand, - I think, the use of this phrase is inappropriate, as you supplement additional information to the pargraph rather than contradict it. - people do not have not to try other methods or alternatives to get the information as they did before. They do not have to go to the libraries and search for the information by reading books. They have not also to ask other persons about the information that they need. - you reiterate this phrase too often.
Another factor that makes the internet a good provider of information - there is no need for comma - is the diversity of the information
As we know , theweb sites are created by all kind of people, professional people, different background people, with different cultures and thoughts. - the structure of the sentence is incorrect. I changed it to: As we know , the web sites are created by different people - professional people and people with distinct cultural and academic background.
Therefore, the person seeking the information not only are provided by a huge amount of information but these information arewhich is different in most cases. - you used the word 'information' thrice in this sentence, and approximately 15 or 16 times in the whole essay. Such things are not welcomed in academic essays. may be, you ought to reconsider some sentences or use synonyms. - People here have a lot of choices of information that they need.
Some people believe that access to so much information can causes some problems. I think that too much information can cultivate people more and let them become more aware about what they need to know. - this paragraph is too short. You simply introduced the counter argument, but did not supported it; instead, you immediatly refuted it. This is not the right strucuture.
In conclusion, internet remains the first source of information. - it can be argued. In my opinion, the environment is the first source of information. Additionally, you did not mention it in your paragraphes - People who need to get a lot of information by easy way have to access to the internet. The diversity is also plays a major factor that makes the internet a good source of information. People have just to use their logic , reason and their experience to take the right information. - it is not relevant. Instead of the last sentence repeate the thesis statement once again, emphasizing your point of view.
good luck!
Use "The"
The Internet.
Capitalize th I
Internet.
They cannot find this huge number of results gathered in any other source of information. For example, if someone wants to write a resume, theirselves , she needs only to searches some examples in the Internet. She has only to choose the one that matches better with her career.
Another factor that makes...
...and let them become more aware about what they need to know.
In conclusion, the Internet remains the first source of information. People who need to...
Nice job! Go capitalize Internet every time you use it. :-)
First check your grammer. (Yes I know I spelled it wrong. did you?)
Then, perhaps you should list out (just generally) the factors mentioned in your thesis
Lastly for the Conclusion, never write "In Conclusion" because that is just so redundant.
Overall, you know the ideas but could not elaborate it well. Just try to write a simple sentence in 3 different ways. That will give you confidence to develop sentences and improve your vocabulary. Good luck.
"First of all" phrase appears to be very useless. It determines lesser readers' devotion. In fact, most makers who see this, if it is an admission essay, eye at the post so very quickly and then pass it off.
so , what is the right word to write instead of first of all
I think like these: To begin with/The first factor(/belief/reason/catalyst...) is that/I believe/.../(TRY NOTHING in replacement, just leave a gap between and fill it with some such transitional words as "above"...)
Try a more engaging approach. The phrase seems to have been used so commonly that it makes your post less outstanding.
For instance:
First of all, people are not more [...] about the information that they need.
It is amazing/astonishing/bewildering/compellingly unbelievable/impossible/... how easy information can be found on the Internet. And again, the process of searching is relatively easy/effortless/relaxed/simple/...--what people have to do is type the key word and then wait for different/disparate results to appear/be conformed/surface/show up/come out/come along/... . Such a comfortable way of searching, therefore, saves much time and effort, despite how small the output devices seem (this is just an extension). Long gone is the time of enduring methods and alternatives! Long gone is the time when libraries are the major key! Long gone is the time when people spend hours and hours to read a book only to find no information! All they need to do is just a simple click on the Internet.
I attempt to rewrite your first paragraph, with a list of word choice for you to choose. Try to read again and again, then shape your minds to a better interpretation. Good luck!
