This is an essay for IELTS exam writing task 2. I hope someone could give me some advice on my work. Your help is greatly appreciated!!!!!
Life would be difficult without the new technology
SUBJECT: The Internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades. Although some of these changes have been negative, the overall effect of this technology has been positive. What are your opinions on this?
ESSAY:
In nowadays the Internet has played an essential role in our lives. Almost everyone, no matter in what age, owns a smartphone while computers tend to be more accessible. I believe that smartphone makes lives convenient. However, there are pros and cons to us in this situation.
To begin with, one of the largest disadvantages is the smartphone addictions. More and more experts and educators claimed that parents should prevent the smartphone from their children. In order to avoid nearsightedness and obesity, children have to control themselves not to surf on the Internet over two hours a day. Besides, the Internet might provide inappropriate information to children. As for the adults, their privacy may be damaged because of the hackers.
Despite those disadvantages, the Internet is still a helpful technology for our society. First of all, it makes it possible to communicate with others, and do not be disturbed by the distance. Secondly, for those who love shopping, they are able to buy clothes at home. E-commerce grows rapidly and fits the needs due to the Internet. Last but not the least, as the development of the Artificial Intelligence, computers can handle more and more tasks which used to be dealt with human-beings. Thus people can spend more time to stay with their beloved and friends, enjoying lives.
To sum up, it seems to me that the Internet is vital. Although there might be some risks to have this technology in our lives, lives would be more difficult if we do not have it. Undoubtedly the Internet has enlightened our society.
(261 words)@Elvin
First of all, I am glad that you have paraphrased the question instead of just copying it, which is a really good point. However, your intro seems off-topic; the subject here asks you about your opinions on the positive and negative effect of the Internet, not of smartphone or computer.
Your body paragraphs, luckily, are still somehow on the right track. But I would recommend you explain your points a little bit more. Your paragraph may have just two main ideas but each idea needs to be more detailed.
Your essay lacks opinion on the topic. This is the opinion essay, which means that you should give your opinion. You can discuss both sides but in the end, you still have to choose which side you more prefer.
There's also some grammatical mistakes throughout your essays, like
In nowadays
no matter in what age they are.
parents should prevent the smartphone from their children (which should be otherwise) ...
Overall, your essay has some good points, but it will be greater if you omit some of your main ideas and develop the rest more thoroughly. Also, think about enhancing your sentence structures and more advanced vocabulary.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Elvin, your prompt deviation and succeeding discussion immediately garnered this essay a failing score of 2 because your response is completely unrelated to the task. The task requires a discussion regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people over several decades. You are being asked to give your opinion based on the positive or negative effects of the internet, not the computer or the smartphone, just the internet, on the lives of people. Your essay discusses the effects of the smartphone on the lives of people. Therefore, it is clear you did not understand the instructions for the discussion nor what the discussion topic is about. As such, you have failed the test due to problematic English comprehension skills.
Only paragraph 3 relates to the question being asked and as such, you can only be scored for that paragraph. Which means that you also have points deducted for not writing the appropriate minimum word count for the essay. Therefore, your essay cannot get a passing test. It failed tremendously in the TA section and then did not do a good job either in the remaining presentation requirements, along with the under word count writing. It is simply impossible for this essay to pass the test.
@Elvin
First I wish you to get higher score in your real exam.
Secondly your this essay has poor opinion, it seems whether you wrote it just as a word collection. second paragraph, in my opinion, less match to the topic. and as it mentioned by Hoanglinh there are some mistakes.
