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IELTS: The Internet has transformed lives and economies but it turning the world ...


daquoc 1 / 4  
Mar 2, 2011   #1
Dear all. I appreciate it if you could correct for me. Thanks

My topic is

The Internet has transformed lives and economies but it turning the world into a global village. Soon everybody will think and behave in the same way.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?.

My essay

It is no doubt that the Internet is increasingly one of the irreplaceable communication means. People keep in touch each other through the way the Internet offering. It brings people closer by using the Internet lines. A cooperation arranging a meeting over the Net where its staff can debate the policy of the company. People argue that the Internet has adjusted the way people interact via the same model. I pretty agree with this statement.

To begin with, most people especially children, relax and attend leisure activities by using the Internet. They mainly stay at home and watch movies which are being downloaded from entertainment websites. They prefer to register and become a membership of a virtual social network such as facebook or blogs where they can discuss specific aspects of daily life. Even though, they makes friends and live as if they are living in the real life. In addition to this, foreign students usually keep in touch with their relatives through webcam, a service provided by the Internet.

In goes without saying that the invention of the world wide web has brought a huge impact on the economy operation of the world. In the past, it took ages for a company to communicate or send a contract to the customers oversea. Today, we send or receive an e-mail in seconds. The international companies manage their operation economically due to the advantages of the Internet. They can hold a meeting where staff members of branches all over the world discuss a business strategy or present a financial report to the general director who is far away from them.

In conclusion, the Internet plays an important role in the last century.We appreciate it. It has more or less changed our lifestyle. How to take advantage of it and promote it in order to make the world more prosperous is the question we may concern.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 2, 2011   #2
It is no doubt that the Internet is increasingly one of the irreplaceable communication meansthe most powerful among all communication modes . It has helpedpP eople who lead very busy lives today to keep in touch with each other through the way the Internet offeringusing its efficient services such as e-mail, face book, twitter etc .

My advice for you is that arrange your ideas well and express them in simple words.

Good Luck!!
OP daquoc 1 / 4  
Mar 2, 2011   #3
Thanks Dumi
Mahrooo 3 / 6  
Mar 4, 2011   #4
How to take advantage of it and promote it in order to make the world more prosperous and it is the question we may concern.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 8, 2011   #5
I pretty much agree with this statement.---I added much, so that this would make more sense, but it still is not a good way to say it. Do this:

I mostly agree with this statement.

Even though it is only a virtual interaction, they makes friends and live as if they are interacting in the real life. ---Study these changes carefully.

Capitalize: invention of the World Wide Web has...

How to take advantage of it and promote it in order to make the world more prosperous is the question we may concern address.

:-)
Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 8, 2011   #6
To begin with, most people, especially children, relax and attend leisure activities by using the Internet. They mainly stay at home and watch movies which are being downloaded from entertainment websites. They prefer to register and become a membership of a virtual social network such as facebook or blogs where they can discuss specific aspects of daily life. Even though, they makes friends and live as if they are living in the real life. In addition to this, foreign students usually keep in touch with their relatives through webcam, a service provided by the Internet.

I think you should keep more attention to topic development. It is accepted for the body paragraph to have own introduction (point) sentence in the beginning, followed by evidence and examples related only to its point. Here in the last sentence you are introducing what appears to be a new thesis.

And I don`t think your essay is answering the question - is everybody really staring to act the same way?

The other thing that you may find helpful is trying to avoid repetitions - replace "they" with "these users". You get the picture :)
OP daquoc 1 / 4  
Mar 9, 2011   #7
Yes. Thanks all. I'll try my best.
Panda271 3 / 11  
Apr 7, 2011   #8
I totally agree with the above ideas that the essay is not answering the topic. You should focus more on whether Internet will make people behave in the same way or not rather than focus too much on the importance of the Internet!
englishlearner1 1 / 2  
Apr 8, 2011   #9
Hi there,

Borislav was totally right.

I'm preparing for IELTS test too. I have found out that, if you want to achieve high mark, you argument needs to be strong and gives no confusion to the reader/examiner. To do that it's essential that you need to analyse the question well before you strat writing and structure your essay in advance so that you can both answer all the aspects of the question and make your argument strong enough.

To back up my point, here's how I usually do:

topic: giving argument or discussion, cause and effect, problem and solution

Intro: background -> details -> thesis -> outline the points need to be discussed in the supporting paragraph

Supporting Paragraph: topic -> example -> discussion -> conclusion

Conclusion: summary/ restate the thesis -> recommendation/suggestion

You have tried to give some idioms and unusual vocabularies which were good. However, make sure you can use them correctly and stick to academic style, you know what I mean right?

Hope this helps


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