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If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? (TOEFL essay)

May 27, 2009   #1
Would I be able to pass the toefl (24/30) writting section with such essay???

Topic is: If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed?

My essay is:

In today's era global warming is the most difficult problem in front of the whole world.If I were be the scientist, I would have invented such an equipment by which we can detect the shortcoming of any event which can be hazardous for our environment. So any equipment which can tell beforehand that certain event can be dangerous for our enviornment and by that we can stop it and prevent further damage to the atmosphere. By this invention the entire humanity will be benefited.

Now a day, more and more people are using automobiles and fumes out of chemical factories first of all directly affect the human health. They also damage ozone layer which can protect us from harmful ultra violet rays. Deforestation has also added to the problem. There are serious attacks from all the sides on the nature. Our successors will be in grave problem because there will be more and more natural calamities. Global warming has created threat not only for some endangered species but for all the living beings. There are temperature variations in all the seasons in every part of the world. For example, there are lot of island being formed out of glaciers as a result of high temperature.

This problem needs a quick and effective solution. I think we need such an instrument which can help us by warning us prior that certain event is dangerous for the environment. So that we can stop such activities before hand and further damage to the earth's ambience can be prevented. For example, if we had a machine which could had told our ancestors that deforestation may lead to such problemes ; or they might had known the effect of pollution on ozone layer;or the effect construction of dams on the enviorment on future generation, they would have not done that. By inventing such an instrument I would be able at least delay the natural disasters in coming future.

In the conclusion I will say invention of such a machine which can detect that particular event can alter the balance in the atmosphere can save present as well as the future of humanity. I think it is duty of every human to contribute towards his/her atmosphere. If I could get a chance I would love to protect my surrounding in every possible way.

May 27, 2009   #2
While it's hard to imagine a machine that would do what you say, this essay does seem to be sufficiently well structured, with ideas that are supported by details. I am more concerned by grammar and sentence structure. You're still struggling with verb tense.

In your first paragraph:

If I were a scientist, I would inventsuch an equipment by which we could detect the shortcoming of any event which could be hazardous for our environment... By this invention the whole of humanity would be benefited.

The sentence in between those two I do not understand well enough to edit. Try to write short, simple sentences. When you catch yourself writing "and" in between two long strings of words, that might be a signal that you are trying to say too much in a single sentence.

Your next paragraph is stronger because the sentences are shorter and your verb tense is more consistent. Even so, I would break the first sentence into two, as follows:

Nowadays , more and more people are using automobiles.andF umes out of chemical factories first of all directly affect the human health.

Avoid starting sentences with "so." "So" is usually used to introduce a subordinate clause. Putting "so" at the beginning of the sentence often turns what would be a good sentence into a sentence fragment, by making it into a subordinate clause.

In summary, you are doing very well, but still have some work to do.
May 27, 2009   #3
Maybe "So anyThis equipment which can tellwould warn u s beforehand that certain eventsand practicescan be dangerous formay harm our environment, hence allowing us to change our behavior and toand by that we can stop it and prevent further damage to the atmosphere."

That might work, I think.
May 27, 2009   #4
Thanks simone and sean,

I am trying hard to make small sentences but it's not at all resolving.
Because of time constraint I am unable to profread it and check my tense problem.
But I think more I write my speed will improve.

But your help counts a lot.

Thanks guys you people are wonderful!!!!
May 27, 2009   #5
There are a few pieces of advice I would give you for your current situation.

1. Don't worry about speed at first. Just work on getting your ideas down in an organized, coherent fashion, with grammar good enough that your meaning remains clear.

2. Start studying various topics in American and world history that you can draw on for examples. Wars make for good reading in this respect -- the Cold War, the Vietnam War, WWI, WWII, etc. Beyond that, it helps to be familiar with one or two threads of ancient philosophy (Plato, Aristotle), incidents and figures from the history of science, (Gallileo, Darwin, Newton, Einstein) and general historical events, such as the Great Depression. This will give you a repertoire of examples you can use to make strong points in favor of any position on just about any issue.

3. Begin to notice how formulaic TOEFL essays are, and to learn what that formula is. This will greatly help with the speed issue.
May 28, 2009   #6
Sean's advice about reading is good for another reason: The more you read in English, the more natural correct English will sound to you. Over time, verb tense errors and the like will start to sound wrong to you. You'll be less likely to make those errors and thus won't need time to correct them.

As to time, I think that taking the time to frame short clear sentences one by one, rather than rushing to say as much as possible, rambling into errors in the process, is a better strategy. As Sean says, your speed will naturally increase over time.
May 28, 2009   #7
Thanks guys

For all your suggetions. They are helping me a lot. But I am taking test on 30th may, I dont know how much good it goona be? But I am hoping that I will get through.

What do you guys say? Would I be able to pass the test.
I need 24/30 to clear it.

May 28, 2009   #8
I cannot say if you will pass on the 30th, but I can give you some advice and wish you well.

When you get the test question, take a moment to gather your thoughts and sketch and outline before you begin to write. When you write, concentrate on writing short, simple sentences. Keep your verb tense (past, present, or future) consistent throughout. As I said above, if you catch yourself writing "and" after a long string of words, perhaps you should end the sentence instead and start the new thought with a new sentence. Don't try to be creative or impressive. Just concentrate on saying what you have to say as clearly as possible.

Good luck and please do let us know how it goes!
May 28, 2009   #9
Ya sure Simone,

I dont know where I would have been without your guidance.

I will still continue in this forum to further improve my writting skills.

Thanks a billion
You guys are doing great job.
May 28, 2009   #10
Bear in mind too that the TOEFL isn't a one shot deal. If you don't do well the first time, you can always take it again. So, try to relax, do the best you can, and consider the test on the 30th as a benchmark measurement. If your mark is high enough to meet your needs, then great! If not, you know where you are relative to where you want to be, which is always useful.

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