I'm practicing and preparing for TOEFL writing. I'll be so glad if any feedback is given on this essay! Thank you, I truly wish you luck. This essay is written regarding an agree-or-disagree topic. (Word Count: 406)
human civilization destruction because of internet?
The invention of the Internet has considerably changed the way we live now in the society. In the past, in order for women to cook properly, they had to visit certain places to acquire the knowledge of cooking from others who give lots of tips and skills. This method, however, is very time-consuming since people need to take huge amount of time and stamina to reach the places by walking or any other transportation means. After the arrival of the Internet, now everyone is able to learn how to cook at home from simply watching videos regarding countless recipes. In my perspective, I strongly disagree with the following statement that the Internet has had negative effects on human civilization. The internet provides a wide range of education as well as information.
First of all, there is no better place than the Internet to experience knowledge one has never seen in the past. For example, I play games on weekends because they are fun and relieve my stress accumulated in my brain. Suddenly I came up with an idea of making my own game. Because I did not know where to start, I asked people online to obtain better thoughts about my concerns. I finally made it reaching the point where I can start. After many practices and a trial and error, my rough but simple and small game was born. Without the help from people on the Internet, this task would never have been possible.
Secondly, people search for information online almost every day. Living in the bottomless sea of information is never exaggerated. For instance, when people come up with a topic about current events from news, there could be at least some people who have never heard it earlier. Their next action is quite obvious. They immediately grab their phones and check news online. If the Internet did not exist, they could have left the communication due to boredom and sit for a while and continue listening to the topic they cannot understand at all.
To sum up, the statement that the Internet is degrading human civilization is not really a truth. Individuals can easily learn something interesting at home without any help from others. Within few minutes, you very well aware of particular information or any topics. Thanks to these huge advantages, the society can care less about some negative effects of the Internet. What the Internet gives us should be more appreciated.
First, there're some grammatical and spelling errors
- "acquire the knowledge of cooking
from with others"
- " take a huge amount of time"
- "topic about current events from the news" - 'The' would be used either for the media, or for specific news, I guess
- "After the
arrival appearance of the Internet"
- " I play games on weekends because
they are it's fun"
Your essay, generally, quiet good. However, you must find more evidence because in an essay, every point you make must be backed up with supporting evidence. I wish you would get a high grade for your TOELF writing.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,734 3791
Kode, I need the full prompt that was originally provided to you for the proper assessment of your essay. You cannot just give me a partial reference to the prompt instructions. That is useless to me and will not allow me to help you improve your writing based upon problem points consideration. You have written this essay as a research paper instead of an agree - disagree essay. Your sentence count per paragraph should never go beyond the 5 sentences per paragraph limit. You do not have the time to write these extra long and detailed paragraphs in the actual test setting. I have a funny feeling that you did not time yourself when you wrote this essay. The content borders on being extra analytical. That means, you took the time to think about your response and develop it. That is why you came up with these extra long paragraphs. Believe me, in the actual setting, you will be hard pressed to complete your paragraphs within the given time frame. So you must practice with a timer and try to develop a better way of writing. One that allows you express yourself within 5 sentences, without creating run-on sentences in every paragraph. While this is a tremendously strong essay, there are a number of scoring considerations that I cannot use in the assessment of your work due to the lack of the original prompt. Since I can only give you one advice per essay, you will need to remember to give me the complete prompt when you post your next essay.
I was just expecting someone to view this as a free writing and give me feedback, though.
and yes, I wasn't counting time while writing this. Just wasn't so sure where to start after a long time since my last TOEFL test.
but Thank you for your feedback.