Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on the protection of wild animals, and that this money could be better spent on the human population.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Some people argue that time and money investments on wild animals are too large and these investments should be spent on humans. I completely disagree with this point of view.
Firstly, in my opinion it is absurd to argue the investment on wild animal protection is redundant. It is true that in recent years, we have been organized numerous campaigns to raise people 'awareness about the importance of wild animal protection and erected parks and animal conservation sites to protect animals, which can cost a fortune. However, it appears that there are several other areas which are burning money of human such as nuclear energy and space exploration. Take space exploration as an example, the budget of a rocket production is far higher than that of a zoo. Similarly, the training fee for a zoo keeper is nowhere near as expensive as that of an astronaut. Hence, the financial investment on wild animal protection is nothing comparing with that of other fields.
Secondly, wild animals play a crucial role in humans' lives. Protecting animals means protecting their habitats which are instrumental in balancing the ecosystem. If wild animals die out, the ecosystem is destroyed. As a result, humans are likely to face with extreme weather such as climate changes and other disasters. Besides, wild animals is a rich source of science research. Scientists usually do some observe and analyze the manners and behaviors of those species and their exploration after that can broaden the knowledge of human about nature even some of them are considered as foundation for human research.
In conclusion, in my opinion the investment we spent on animals is money-worthy and wild animals protection is always a matter of importance.
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While your essay is grammatically imperfect, it is nice to see that you understood exactly how to discuss the topic based on the given instruction. I am even more pleased that you focused your reasoning paragraphs in the proper manner. That is, you focused on strengthening your your opinion using strong reasons. However, you should have used more "emotional" or "measured" words to continue to the "extent" form of discussion in your reasoning paragraphs.
Some of the "emotional" or "extent" words you could have used in your topic sentences are:
I firmly believe that...
I greatly disagree because...
I staunchly believe that...
I decidedly support the opinion that...
The extent essay measures your ability to support your opinion based on a specific set of vocabulary words. All of these words convey a strong emotion, while also allowing you to highlight the range of your grammar skills. This is an advanced form of opinion discussion and you properly proved your ability to explain yourself, albeit in imperfect, but understandable English sentences, in the discussion paragraphs. Very good job!
In relation to your discussion skills. You should do more English language exercises. Sentence formation games and exercises that are freely available online should be able to help you do that. Try to immerse yourself more in English environments. Anything from reading materials to sub-titled movies will help you improve your language writing skills.
However, you failed to properly format your opening and concluding paragraphs. These should have at least 3 sentences each that show your ability to restate the discussion points. For the original prompt, you have to provide the following:
- A restatement of the topic
- Reason for the discussion
- Your response to the discussion instruction / question
For the concluding summary, provide the following:
- A restated topic (same topic, different presentation)
- Restate your opinion
- Reason 1
- Reason 2
- Closing sentence
You can offer up to 5 sentences per summary if you wish to kick up your TA score. I am very pleased with the clarity of your opinion, even though your sentence formation needs more work. You should be happy with this essay that you wrote, it shows your potential to pass the test. Just make sure to improve on your sentence structure so that your grammar presentation will be smoother and clearer to the reader. Right now, there is a slight difficulty in understanding your statements, but not to the point where you cannot be understood. You somehow, manage to make yourself understood using well developed paragraphs that highlight:
- A topic sentence
- An explanation
- An example
- An opinion that further supports your reason, topic for the paragraph, and the example.
Like I said, you need to clean up the language presentation. You have the potential to get a high score so don't stop practicing. I hope to help you achieve a higher than average passing score in the future.
Thanks so much, your very detailed feedback is really helpful. But can you show me some of my profound sentence formation and grammartical mistakes that I made and how it can be fixed to be more natural? Just some because after reading my essay over and over again, I am still unable to improve it :((