This essay answers the question from the English test, TOEFL.
And the questions is
"the best way to reduce air pollution is for the government to raise the cost of fuel."
I disagree with this question.
Thank you for taking a look on my essay.
The issue of the fuel's cost has been contentious among companies and governments since the fuel itself has been fiercely polluting our environments. A number of people maintain that what the governments can do their best with helping environments is imposing more taxes on fuel companies to increase the price of fuel, which would eventually lower the use of fuel. On the contrary, some argue that governments could help the companies which are devoting themselves to reducing air pollution, rather than expecting more taxes from them. I also believe raising the cost of fuel would not be beneficial in working air pollution problems since the use of fuel would not be reduced eventually and supporting eco-friendly technology would be more constructive to reduce air contamination.
Most of all, the price of fuel and the problem of contaminating the atmosphere have less correlation. Raising taxes on a price has been a successful policy to control the market among many governments since it has worked completely as a matter of fact. However, there have been several parts of products that cannot be controlled in consuming them and producing them. Fuel could be the one of representative among them. Tons of products that we use are made of fuel such as clothes, plastic. Since these are taking vast parts of our life, it is not likely to restraint our consumption with fuel. Even though the government raises the cost of fuel, people still have to buy things made of fuel. Raising the cost would just become a huge burden for all of us. In fact, the price of fuel in Korea has been raised due to the international diplomatic situation these days; however, the amount of importing fuel from the Middle East countries have been sustained regardless of the price, which indicates the fact that those two have less correlation. Thus, we would still use fuel in spite of the prices due to our overdependence of using fuel.
Besides, raising the price cannot be the best way for protecting the earth in that other policies such as investing or less imposing taxes on eco-friendly companies could be more efficient. The interests of consuming eco-friendly products have been growing among people and companies. As long as the numbers of people who are aware of the seriousness about air pollution have been multiplying, what governments can do their best with the environment is helping eco-friendly companies to make clean air. For example, several countries are not only have waved taxes but also invested money for businesses that are working on the air pollution problem. As a result, many people have been jumping into Eco business. Therefore, as long as there is a better solution which is helping eco-friendly businesses, raising the price cannot be the best way to control pollution.
In conclusion, while some people insist that bringing up the price of fuel would be the best way to control air pollution, I believe that it would not benefit both the earth and people. It is because we still have to utilize tons of fuel due to our overdependence on it regardless of the price and helping Eco business could be a better way to protect our earth.
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You need an interesting hook for this essay. Your approach is unnecessary as you are giving a comparative discussion when you should be focused on establishing the backstory for your essay opinion instead. Think about the reason why you disagree with the statement? What sort of story or example can you open the essay with that will help to highlight a major reason as to why you oppose the statement? You need to make sure that you create an interesting opening statement that will help you better explain your opinion. By the way, it will be more helpful to your presentation if you can explain your opinion between 380-400 words. Remember, you won't be scored less for writing more words, but you could actually gain penalties under other scoring considerations if you just kept writing, without editing the work when you needed to.
While you do have a wide discussion development, this did not help you to create a well developed presentation. Your ideas and reasons are often difficult to understand because of the sentence errors that create confusion for the reader. You often use words and word forms that do not help to create a proper sentence presentation. Oftentimes, the lack of proper sentence formation results in incoherent sentences. You should be focusing on the clarity of your explanation and reasons rather than just the word count. Remember the golden rule, a long essay does not mean a passing essay. As long as you meet more than the minimum word requirement, your score will be fine. You have to look at developing the clarity of your discussion and the coherence of your explanations. You need to make sure that the discussion connects well, without using too many words.
Please keep in mind that you are writing an academic opinion paper. So informal English words such as "tons" is out of place. Always maintain an academic explanation using formal English word and sentence presentations. Your essay uses several informal word presentation such as tons, have to, and as long as. The last 2 affect the clarity of your presentation as you use basic English phrases rather than academic vocabulary.
Overall, you have good discussion ideas. The problem is that your presentation is faulty in terms of clarity. Focus less on the word count and more on the clear explanations. What you can do is, have someone review the essay after you write it. Ask that person to tell you which parts of the essay are unclear to him. Ask why it became unclear. These sorts of work reviews can help you spot problematic sentences and paragraphs, which you can further improve on by writing the same essay, keeping the errors in mind, and correcting them on the second try. That should help you learn how to write essays with clear idea and explanation presentations.