Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

GRE Issue: Great nations should be assessed by general welfare of its people


dunguyen 9 / 19 6  
Sep 12, 2014   #1
Please help to correct any grammatical and content shortcomings! Thank you very much in advance

Here are the prompt and instructions:
The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Here is my essay:
For a nation to be considered great, we often look at the country's economic achievements, and almost forget to weight the people's level of satisfaction and the society's happiness. Although a nation that produces the more outstanding individuals will most likely be perceived as great worldwide, the ultimate goal of a nation should serve interests of the general and majority. A closer examination at the propensity, welfare and people's satisfaction of different nations in our world supports the statement.

Northern Europe has long been a desirable place to live for people around the world, so it is intuitive to presume nations in the region relatively great. Countries like Denmark, Sweden or Switzland are renowned for their stable and joyful life. Certainly, these countries are not necessarily the hometown of world-famous individuals, at least in comparison with other nations. Yet the nations' people enjoy the safe and stable environment that underscores the welfare of everyone in the society. This is an unarguable indicator of prospective nations.

There is no denying that United States shelters the largest number of exceptional individuals, whose achievements are world-recognized in many areas of life. A quick check at the nationality of Nobel laureates confirms the argument. However, the States never shows up in the top-ten happiest countries in the world, or obtains a relatively high human index (an index to measure the welfare of people in health, education or age). Obviously, the world largest economy still exemplifies a great nation, but not an undoubted and fully one, at least according to its people's self assessments.

This essay narrows the broad term of great nation to the social aspects to make the arguments valid. Despite the immense contributions that excellent individuals make to one nation, the general welfare of its people must be overweighed to assess the greatness of a nation. The reasoning and evidence shown in this essay can be used to strengthen this prompt.

vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #2
You have a solid start for your introduction. There is a slight problem though. You were supposed to agree or disagree with the statement and I do not see any mention of your stand anywhere in the paragraph. I suggest that you add a sentence at the end reflecting your stand in order to fall in line with the requirements of the essay. Without your stand, the essay does not have a thesis statement to begin its discussion with. I will be making comments and revision suggestions to your essay as I review it below.

Although a nation that producesthe more outstanding individuals will most likely be perceived as great worldwide, the ultimate goal of a nation should serve interests of the general and majority. A closer examination at the propensity, welfare and people's satisfaction of different nations in our world supports the statement.

- ... the ultimate goal of a nations should be to serve the interests of the general majority... closer examination of the... different nations supports this statement.

- This statement is open to further discussion. Perhaps you can present the opposing point of view and explain its flaws before you launch into your current statement.

A quick check at the nationality of Nobel laureates confirms the argument. However, the States never shows up in the top-ten happiest countries in the world, orobtains a relatively high human index (an index to measure the welfare of people in health, education or age). Obviously, the world largest economy still exemplifies a great nation, but not an undoubted and fully one , at least according to its people's self assessments.

- ... confirms this argument... countries in the world, nor does it obtain a ... the world's largest economy... but not a great nation that serves its people ...

- You did a good job at using the compare and contrast method of discussing the topic.The two paragraphs you provided as samples were right on the mark.

As for your conclusion, it loses its impact because you failed to present your personal point of view early in the essay and do not even try to reference it at the end. So you have to revise the essay in order to properly show a restated thesis, summary of facts, and conclusion.


Home / Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: Great nations should be assessed by general welfare of its people