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Issue of local concern - parent-child relationship


jjinko 4 / 11  
Feb 11, 2010   #1
Discuss an issue of local concern. Why is this issue important to you? How do you think it should be addressed?

In life, it is a reality that we become what we have been involved with and taught since we were born. The environment we live is crucial the way our way of thinking will develop, and therefore, it will have a great impact on our actions and decisions. Parents play an important role in our lives as our examples and models. From them we learn the basic principles to start our own lives. Nevertheless, it has come to my attention that not all parents are as dedicated as they should be and do not comprehend the importance of their responsibility. As a consequence, we often find misbehaving and disrespectful children.

The kids at my old public school thought it was funny ridiculing me because of my ethnicity. Once, a girl came to me alone and made fun of my eyes and language. Since she was alone, I decided to chase her; when I did she ran to her mother. The moment the mother saw me chasing her daughter, she glared at me; she probably thought I was picking on her. The way she scolded me in front of everyone was traumatizing. I wished to clear the misunderstanding but I was misunderstood once again as a disrespectful child talking back to an adult. My side of the story did not matter.

Ever since third grade, I have been attending a private Christian school called Academia Bautista de Puerto Nuevo. The difference between the two schools I went to was apparent: in this school, there are kind and amiable people surrounding me. As my classmates and I became friends, I eventually met their parents. Surprisingly, they were even kinder to me. I was curious how they knew about me and it turned out that I was the star conversation of their dinner table. The way they treated me normally, like everyone else was shocking; but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished. It seems that education and guidance determines the character of a person and the way they react and encounter to emotions, changes, and innovations.

There is no perfect way to raise a child, but there is a proper way. A parent should raise a child in their own rightful ways so they may reflect and respect good values. They must put effort into it because children are our future and an image themselves to the after generations. I do not wish for other people to experience what I did, which is very common; especially when out of ignorance children deride their elders, teachers and/or people in charge, and sick and different people. I believe this moral problem could be relieved and worked in properly if parents would take conscience in the development of their children' attitude. Also, they should be aware of what are their child's points of view, role models, and most important, influence. Ways to improve this parent-child relationship is to make time to spend with each other, attend parental conferences, seek the help of their school's counselor, and advice other parents as well on this matter.

Please help! i think this essay can be improved but cant pinpoint what
word corrections, vocabulary and sentence improvement, etc will be appreciated!
Thank you very much!!!

JRob105 4 / 11  
Feb 12, 2010   #2
In life, it is a reality that we become what we have been involved with and taught since we were born.

I would change "involved with and taught" to exposed to

The environment we live is crucial the way our way of thinking will develop, and therefore, it will have a great impact on our actions and decisions.

"The environment we live in is crucial to the way our thinking will develop, and therefore, will have a great impact on our actions and decisions."

and do not comprehend the importance of their responsibility

Separate sentence

The kids at my old public school thought it was funny ridiculing me because of my ethnicity.

"The kids at my old public school found it humorous to ridicule me because of my ethnicity."

Once, a girl came to me alone and made fun of my eyes and language.

Put "once" after "girl". Take out alone, its redundant.

Ever since third grade

Take out "ever"

The difference between the two schools I went to was apparent: in this school, there are kind and amiable people surrounding me.

Take out everything before the colon

I was curious how they knew about me and it turned out that I was the star conversation of their dinner table.

"tables"

The way they treated me normally, like everyone else was shocking; but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished.

"The way they treated like everyone else was shocking, but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished."

I do not wish for other people to experience what I did, which is very common

"Although it is very common, I do not wish for other people to experience what I did"
OP jjinko 4 / 11  
Feb 12, 2010   #3
thank you very much JRob!
I appreciate it a lot!
RShemanski 1 / 1  
Feb 12, 2010   #4
The essay is very good, except for the story you told about the little girl. It doesnt capture the reader well enough, if it is true you should exagrerate, make it more painful. Everyone has been called names at one point what makes your story different.


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