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The issue of whether in order to be a successful person, you should be more like others or different

saeedkhezerloo 2 / 2 1  
Nov 25, 2018   #1
I would appreciate if someone rate this TOEFL essay.

****Do you agree with the following statement? In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else?****

why individuality is important

It is undeniable that we live in a world in which all people strive to become successful in various aspects and become proud of themselves. The issue of whether in order to be a successful person, you should be more like others, or be different from them arouses much controversy among people with different backgrounds and perspectives. When it comes to me, I, at least for two reasons, go with those who believe that being different from other people rises the probability of being successful. In what follows, I make my reasons clear.

The most important point to substantiate my standpoint is that to become successful, you should be able to do something valuable. Only those things are considered as valuable ones that a few people have or are able to do. To put in general words, scarcity of everything rises its value. For the purpose of illustration, take my father's experience as an example. My father has been a teacher since forty years ago. In the past, as he was the only teacher and the only literate man of our village, he received more respect from people and was considered as a successful man. In contrast, nowadays, as the teachers' number increases over time, people's respect toward my father decreases. I can conclude from this experience that in order to become successful you have to be different from others and do what they cannot.

Another noteworthy point supporting this opinion is that majority people are ordinary ones, and only a few people who are better than others and different form them is considered as successful one. Basically, being successful is defined as how much you are better than others. For instance, two thousand years ago, people in Greak used to work at farmlands and knew nothing about science. At that time, Aristotle started to research about science and introduced it to people. Even though facts that Aristotle found out were nothing compared with the current knowledge of the human, but he is considered as a scholar and a successful man, because he was far better than the people lived in that time. The fact that Aristotle was different from other people led him to be assumed as a successful.

According to the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that in order to be considered as a successful person you have to be different from others, because not only does your value become more, but also being successful is defined as being exceptional and having difference from others.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,621 2516  
Nov 26, 2018   #2
Saeed, this essay can score no higher than a 2. The main reason that you cannot score better than this is that there are certain presentations in your essay that lack clarity in the presentation. In the first paragraph, you ended up trying to over explain the simple prompt, which resulted in an extremely wordy and hard to follow discussion presentation. The second paragraph indicates that the increase in number of teachers lessened the respect for your father. So what? The prompt is asking about success, whether your father is respected or not does not lessen the amount of success he has achieved as a teacher. Your father was already a success since he became educated, worked as the only teacher in your village, and did so for 40 years. Therefore, he is a success. Respect, as you discuss in your essay, has nothing to do with his success. One can be successful without being respected.

Your second example is so ancient, one cannot see the value of success as you are trying to discuss in it. Don't use such old examples that require an amount of research into history before one can understand it. Don't try to show off your intellect. Show off your English prowess. Nobody cares about your knowledge of ancient history, the examiner cares about how well you can explain yourself and write in English. You even misspelled "Greek" as "Greak". That shows a clear lack of control over English words and proper spelling, which is another reason why you cannot score highly with this essay.

Always stay on point with your discussion. Stick to the given topic. Do not digress as you did in this essay. Make sure to check your work before you submit. Correct all of your sentence and vocabulary mistakes to avoid further deductions in your score.
OP saeedkhezerloo 2 / 2 1  
Nov 26, 2018   #3
Thank you for constructive suggestions. Does my essay meet the complexity requirements? I mean, if I try to find better reasons and develop them well enough, will I get a score higher than 4?
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,621 2516  
Nov 26, 2018   #4
I cannot really decide on that unless I see you write a different essay with the improvements I suggested included in your presentation. At the moment, your writing level is only a 2. If you mean complexities as in the way that you use the English words, then yes, you might get a 4 if only the word usage is considered, which is not the way the essay is scored. You are scored on clarity of explanation and use of English words. Don't try to over complicate the presentations. Keep it basic, simple, and easily understood. You are not trying to write the great American novel, you are just trying to explain an opinion so don't overdo it. For now, don't aim for complexity, aim for clarity in your discussion instead. That is what will help to boost your score over everything else and all other scoring considerations.

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