Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Japanese people traveling oversea from 1985 to 1995; market share of Australia

phkhanh12 1 / -  
Jul 21, 2017   #1
Writing task 1: 2 charts Japanese tourists traveling abroad and Australia's share of tourist market

Japanese travelers in foreign countries

The graphs below describe the number of Japanese people traveling oversea from 1985 to 1995 and the market share of Australia in Japanese tourism.
According to the charts, there is an upward trend in the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad and Australia held a large share in Japanese tourist market in over 10 years.

From 1985 to 1990, the number of Japanese travelers globally increased dramatically from about 5 millions to roughly 11 millions before dipping to just over 10 millions in the next year. There was a slight growth from 10 millions to approximately 12 millions in the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1992 to 1993, followed by a rapid rise to just under 16 millions from 1994 to the end of the period. On the other hand, the proportion of Japanese people traveling to Australia rose considerably from about 2% to 5% between 1985 and 1989. The percentage of Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market experienced a slight decline from 1989 to 1990 before going up gradually to just over 6% in 1994. However, at the end of the period, the figure decreased moderately to 6 millions.

Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Jul 21, 2017   #2
Phuong, kindly remember that we are unable to accurately review your essay when you do not upload the illustration that you based the summary analysis upon. It helps guide our review of your work and allows us to see the inaccuracies and deficiencies in your written work. I will only be able to give you a superficial assessment of your work since you failed to include the image for our reference. I will not review your summary overview because I do not have any material to base your claims upon.

While you did write more than the minimum of 150 words, the formatting that you used is problematic. The Task 1 essay normally has 3 paragraphs at a minimum because the analysis is composed of an overview and at least 2 body paragraphs, plus an optional conclusion. You only have 2 paragraphs which means that this work has a number of items missing from the original illustration. I just cannot pinpoint it because of the lack of the image for comparison. It is always best to aim to write at least 3 paragraphs for this essay in order to prove your English comprehension skills and writing abilities.

Your essay suffers from run on sentences. Your second paragraph is too long because you chose to use commas to separate the discussion instead of full stops using a period. The period is the more accurate method of writing this essay because it allows you to present short facts in complex sentences. In this case, there is a lack of proper paragraph development even though your GRA is acceptable. Using sentences allows the reader to pause and consider what you have just written. It is part of the summary presentation process so it should not be omitted in your presentations.

I think that this is a good essay but I cannot be sure unless I can counter check it with the original. It's too late for that now because a contributor can only give one advice per thread. That is why I cannot score your work either. Please don't forget to upload the image with your next posting so that a better review of your essay can be made. As of now, this is as far as I can do with advising you.

Home / Writing Feedback / Japanese people traveling oversea from 1985 to 1995; market share of Australia