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'Jared High and I used to be best friends' - bullying cause and effect essay

bansmart06 4 / 8  
Mar 26, 2012   #1
This is my incomplete essay about the effect of bullying on the victims. This is just only 4 paragraphs because i did not finish the conclusion yet. Feel free to fix my essay and correct me as much as you can. I really appreciate for your help. Just treat it like your essay and you should point out the difference of correction as clearly as you can. Thanks in advance.

(indent)Jared High and I used to be best friends when we were in middle school. He was smart, talented, handsome, and active in school activities such as boy scouts and planting trees projects. He loved his family, had many pets such as cats and dogs, and went to church daily. During our 7th grade year together at Sunnybrook middle school, Jared endured and I witnessed much bullying from a boy named Brutus. The bullying tended to occur in the gym, where Brutus and his group would assault and rob Jared. Out of desperation, on the morning of September 29, 1998, Jared called his dad at work to say goodbye and shot himself, while his dad listened on the other end. Now, I look back at his tragic life and realize there are three major effects of bullying have on the victims: withdrawing from school, hurting physically, and changing emotionally.
chalumeau /  
Mar 26, 2012   #2
It's interesting watching the essay unfold.
Let me know what you think of my corrections.

- He withdrew from school after 2 weeks of bullying?
- He was never bullied before?

Any time you use info from an article and not from personal experience cite it.
It would be interesting to perform a bullying survey at your school and see how many students are bullied. What do you think could have helped your friend? What can you do to stop bullying? the school?

chalumeau /  
Apr 6, 2012   #3
I have attached my comments.
Let me know what you think.
I'm still concerned about the citations.
What format does your teacher prefer?

If there is no word limit, extend
your essay and describe ways to prevent bullying.

Good job with the revisions.
Have you experienced bullying too?
The unfortunate truth is that bullying never goes away
completely. Even in adulthood, there are still bullies.
They even justify their bullying by calling their victims
"mentally challenged" sometimes. The best way to defeat
bullying is to become really good at something in life.
And don't listen to other people too much--the good
or the bad. No one can tell you to do or not do something.
It's up to you.

OP bansmart06 4 / 8  
Apr 6, 2012   #4
Thank you for fixing my mistakes. My teacher does not say about citation so you can skip it. She really care about the effect of bullying not about the way we prevent bullying. I think we can skip the ways to prevent bullying. I really appreciate your quick response.

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