Job Satisfaction or Salary - IELTS Task 2

I am preparing for the IELTS again after 2 years, so my writing got a little bit rusty. This was also crafted in a hurry, which didn't do me a favor. I really appreciate all of your feedback.

the importance of workplace interest and salary

Prompt
Write about the following topic:

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Answer
Currently, there are two major streams of opinions regarding the importance of workplace interest and salary. While some people prioritize their satisfaction with the work they do, some value a great paycheck more than the amusement of their jobs. This essay would examine, discuss these viewpoints and, ultimately, give the opinion of the writer.

First of all, some people may like the idea of having a well-paid job because it would enable them to have more freedom in life. It is a fact that nowadays, everything - major or minor - costs you money. Therefore, a job that pays well would enable workers to buy whatever they need without thinking twice. Thus, they would have greater freedom to get and try things in life without many restrictions, both mentally and financially. For example, having a well-paid job would free them from contemplating choosing which drinks to buy, while also enable them to buy without taking out a loan. Also, by gaining financially early in their career, they may be able to save up enough money for retirement, which would give them the ultimate freedom of life and the ability to do away with their repetitive jobs. In that way, money would attract people with a desire to live a free and comfortable life.

On the other hand, I also get that some people want to have a real connection with their jobs, their fellow workers, and their workplace. As an employee, having a satisfying job would mean less stress and more confidence in the workplace and life. An enjoyable occupation would make people feel cheerful and excited all the time, as they are following their passion and interest while making a living. Therefore, emotional and stress breakdowns are less likely to happen. Consequently, being excited to go to work can help an individual perform better in their tasks, as they would try harder to solve problems instead of resigning themselves. Repeatedly, this can build up one's confidence. Having a job that suits you well is certainly a great choice for those who want a worry-free life.

From my point of view, I would lean towards having a job you like. Most jobs nowadays would pay you enough to live above the minimum, and what is lacking is the satisfaction of people with their lifestyle. Having a job that suits you would boost the latter, giving you a great balance in life.

Again, thank you for helping

The minimum is 250 words but, based on the 40 minute writing task, it isn't advisable for you to write 401 words. That is because you need to focus on the quick but clear English explanation ability that is expected of students in the UK. Give a clear discussion, starting with a proper topic sentence, within 5 sentences. You also have to remember, you are being asked to explain 2 public opinions first, before you give your personal opinion. In this essay, you gave the public explanation for the first POV but used a personal point of view twice in the next paragraphs. The essay became improperly formatted when you did that. Remember, you cannot use your personal opinion as a concluding paragraph. That is because the concluding paragraph is a required summary of the previous discussion. It is the short form of the mid-length explanations that you previously gave. Good effort though. I can tell that you have had some experience writing this task essay. Try to do it in a shorter presentation though. It will really help you a lot if you can explain yourself within 5 sentences per paragraph. It will show a better and more impressive English writing skill.

Thanks a lot @Holt

Hi,
Your writing's very good. I just have some minors feedback.
First of all, I would expect you give your point of view in the introductio part. It wiuld impress reader and make them easy to follow essay. Secondly, in your second paragrah, you repeated "they" quite alot. I suggest that you use some words like people, workers, employer... instead