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IELTS Essay. Job satisfaction versus job security, which one is more important?

tctc8797 4 / 5  
Oct 17, 2020   #1
Task :Some people say job satisfaction is more important than job security, others think people cannot always enjoy their jobs. So having a permanent job is more important.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

My answer:

Job satisfaction versus job security, which one is more important? Obviously, different people have different preferences and there is no standard answer for it. I will discuss the common features of the two groups in three aspects.

Firstly, it is the age. People who think enjoying themselves during work is quite important tend to be younger at age, while the other group might be more middle aged or older. Young people just enter into society within a short period and they feel less pressure during work. For them, an interesting job and relaxing working place would be their priority when choosing a job. However, older people have more responsibilities to take, which means more costs and expenses for their daily life. For example, they might have a monthly mortgage, car insurance, and fixed education expenses for their child. They just can't burden losing a job when they have so many payables.

Secondly, it is the attitude of life. People who always have a positive attitude to their life are usually more confident for their choices they have made. They are not afraid of losing a job or being at a gap until they find a job they really like and enjoy. People, who are on the contrary, are usually cautious to their decisions. For example, they can't make themselves 1oo% guaranteed that by quitting from a not-so-pleasant job, the next job offer would be more acceptable or enjoyable. Considering the current job is permanent and they don't need to care for losing it, they will persuade themselves to just take it.

Although each side has its benefits, I would rather always choose a job that I really like. I used to work at a real estate consultancy company as an analyst, which was also pretty suitable for my major in finance and business. I was feeling this job was a decent one and I would take it as the first step of my career development. However, I didn't feel happy during the job, because I just don't like reports, data, statistics, calculations and endless meetings with clients. I like the art stuff more and always dream of being an artist.

I found myself less efficient during that job, while I could contribute a lot to some part time jobs that related the art I enjoyed. After six months, I decided to resign from the real estate firm and started to do my own art business, which I find I was so enjoying everyday. Since then, even more overtime works happened, I never feel tired and I think I could keep the pace until retirement.

Therefore, if I have to choose one from satisfication or stability, I will choose the first one for sure, and I do hope each one could not only enjoy their jobs but also their life.

(472 words)
fatmajanna 6 / 10  
Oct 17, 2020   #2
You mentioned on your 1st paragraph that you would discuss in three aspects. However, I could only see two aspects here, which are age and the attitude of life.

It is nice that you show your opinion by also relating it from your own experience.

I would like to emphasise that IELTS writing are formal writing style, so you should not use contractions, such as can't and don't

Write it as it is, such as: cannot, do not, etc.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,647 3480  
Oct 17, 2020   #3
Kindly use a timer when writing your essay next time. Set it for 40 minutes. I believe that you will find yourself unable to write this many words when faced with a pressure time scenario. Focus on the development of an explanation within 3 reasoning paragraphs, of no more than 275-290 words.

Since this is an academic essay that tests your ability to clearly and properly restate the given question, avoid the use of rhetorical questions in the presentation, specially in the first paragraph of the presentation. You are not being asked to discuss the commonalities of the two aspects. You are being asked to differentiate between public opinions and give your opinion. It is that discussion instruction that should be reflected in that part of the presentation. Be as accurate as possible in representing the original topic and discussion instructions. Your TA score depends on it.

You are discussing the 2 public topics from a personal point of view. The proper approach is to use a public presentation and relevant pronouns. In the first reasoning paragraph, your irrelevant sentence presentations would count as the first sentence. What should have been a topic sentence did not really combine well with the reasoning presentation, thus creating a difficult to follow line of reasoning.

Truth be told, you are not explaining the reasons for the public points of view in the essay. You are not even referencing the original public topics in the presentation, which can pose a scoring problem for you. Additionally, this is only a 5 paragraph essay. You have written 6 paragraphs, which does not follow the expected format for this discussion.

My advice, is that you read the existing essays at this forum first. Read and learn from the mistakes from others. Specially if you are self-studying as made evident by the errors in this presentation. Do not just keep writing for the sake of writing. You need to learn to follow the format for each question type and also, provide the correct paragraph topic presentations in a manner that reflects either a 4 or 5 paragraph discussion, depending upon the discussion questions and formatting requirements as stated in the original prompt.

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