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IELTS Writing Task 2 - Job Vacancies Restriction in Many Countries

Topic: job vacancies in many countries are restricted in a group of productive age, should it be a positive or negative way of development.

difficulties on employment

Many of people suffered from a financial problems owing to the fact that today's world offered difficulties on employment. This condition is even worsen to some communities of unproductive-aged after many countries not to let them finding a job.Both children and elderly over 55 are financially restricted in being jobless and living under economical-challenging circumstance. While many society around the world think that it seems the positive way of prosperity acceleration, only some of them argue to the opposite sides. However, were it not for governments dealing with any better occasion for children and pensions, I would personally agree to whom saying this is a possible opportunities to have a beneficial impact on developments.

While today's world eventually faced by numerous challenging factors such as health and environment, neither younger or elder people are not allowed looking for a job due to the fact that many governments carries on a recent prohibition policy to those aged-group of people.The question do governments now ready enough for future difficult situations which would appear because of this policy.Everyone needs income to fulfill their daily needed. Children taking a job for many possibilities (extra money or educational motives). A better educational systems may leads to focus on particular subject and stimulate those younger teenage not to be employed before graduated.

Another possible drawbacks why this policy is not suitable in many countries is highly likely an expenditure for personal health which is higher more and more year by year.Do governments provide any sufficient supporting-funding on public health facilities or insurance account budget.Take Third World Countries as an example, the presence of hospital remains deadlock over its growing-number. Having consider about those empty preparation did governments supposes to deal with,I personally agree that employment restriction in them is not fit in several countries.

In conclusion, a step forward that some people believed might not be happen as long as governments do not provide both children and elder people over 55+ a better occasion regarding to their education and healthy issue.

Sep 14, 2017   #2
Dian, your essay is highly confusing. Your statement cause severe stress for the reader as there is no sense in most of the sentences that you developed. Your English sentence structure is faulty to the point that you actually write sentences that do not have a purpose for being in the essay. One example of this problem sentence is

Children taking a job for many possibilities (extra money or educational motives).

There is no sense in this sentence. You have statement but no subject for the sentence. You only have a representation of an incomplete idea. Remember, all your sentences need to help your paragraphs become complete. This is not the case in any of the paragraphs that you created.

Even your opening statement, which should have just introduced a simple paraphrase of the topic along with the discussion instruction goes overboard and informs the reader of data that is not in the original prompt. Unless, you did not post the complete, original prompt as you are required to do at this forum every time you post an essay for review. Truth be told, this essay has so many problem that I do not know where to begin, from the improper paraphrase, the wrong instructions you provided at the end of the thesis statement, the wrong discussion in the body paragraphs, the impossible to understand sentences... I don't know where to begin.

The only thing I can do to help you at this point is to give you the final score of this essay so that you will know exactly where your problems lie and you will be able to begin working on those problems. Your overall score for this essay is 3. That score, is consistent for all the 4 criteria involved in the scoring process. You need to work harder on developing understandable simple English sentences otherwise, you will not pass this test. I hope you still have time to improve before the test. I am not confident that you will be ready to take this test within 3 months based upon the problematic essays that you have been presenting for review here.
I think
Your introduction did not directly relate to the question being asked.
The statement of the question is: whether the prejudiced social setting of favoring productive age against the elderly in the jobs has contributed to development of country or not.

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