Dian, your essay is highly confusing. Your statement cause severe stress for the reader as there is no sense in most of the sentences that you developed. Your English sentence structure is faulty to the point that you actually write sentences that do not have a purpose for being in the essay. One example of this problem sentence is
Children taking a job for many possibilities (extra money or educational motives).
There is no sense in this sentence. You have statement but no subject for the sentence. You only have a representation of an incomplete idea. Remember, all your sentences need to help your paragraphs become complete. This is not the case in any of the paragraphs that you created.
Even your opening statement, which should have just introduced a simple paraphrase of the topic along with the discussion instruction goes overboard and informs the reader of data that is not in the original prompt. Unless, you did not post the complete, original prompt as you are required to do at this forum every time you post an essay for review. Truth be told, this essay has so many problem that I do not know where to begin, from the improper paraphrase, the wrong instructions you provided at the end of the thesis statement, the wrong discussion in the body paragraphs, the impossible to understand sentences... I don't know where to begin.
The only thing I can do to help you at this point is to give you the final score of this essay so that you will know exactly where your problems lie and you will be able to begin working on those problems. Your overall score for this essay is 3. That score, is consistent for all the 4 criteria involved in the scoring process. You need to work harder on developing understandable simple English sentences otherwise, you will not pass this test. I hope you still have time to improve before the test. I am not confident that you will be ready to take this test within 3 months based upon the problematic essays that you have been presenting for review here.