Some people believe that thinking about the future is more important than focusing on the present, I agree entirely with the word that tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
you didn't use sentence connector to connect these sentences,
While some people believe that thinking about the future is more important than focusing on the present, I agree entirely with the word that tomorrow is the most important thing in life.Some people believe thatthinking about the future is more important than focusing on the present , I agree entirely with the word that tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
this is your introduction,
In conclusion, thinking about the future is more important than focusing on present , it not only can help individuals developing positive attitude but can also help governments escaping from crisis.
in the conclusion, you repeat a phrase which is same as the phrase that you already used in introduction, try to paraphrase or you will lose some points because of using the same phrase twice.