Improve on your introduction.
As dumi suggests in this forum,
This is the structure I suggest you for the introduction for this task;
Have these three parts in your introduction;
1. Hook - An interesting statement to catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Give the context to the reader
2.1. Definition of the question
2.2. Importance of the question (why it is important to discuss this argument)
3. Thesis statement - Express your view
Although there are strong believers that say they deserve this kind of wealth, others think they do not deserve that much money.
Although there are strong believers who assert that players do deserved to be paid well, few others think they should not be.
Society is the people who stay and live together, but not all of us live with the same conditions.
Can be changed
They, their, them - seems to be more - can be rephrased
According to me, I don't blame any of them but system
It must be balance.
There are many grammatical errors. Try to improve on your grammar