"keep your hands to yourself"; SAT ( keep things private?)

Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep things private?

In response to today's trend of publicizing our personal lives, we need to make an effort to keep some things private. The old "keep your hands to yourself" not only applies to kindergarten classrooms, but should also apply to the way we share our most personal secrets. From Linda McMahon and her big spending, to Barack Obama and his birthplace, there is a wide range of ideas as to whether things should be kept private or not.

Would Chris Murphy have been elected to the Senate in 2012 had it not been for the anti-"McMahon and her money" protesters? It had been widely reported that Linda McMahon had invested over $97 million into her senatorial campaign. Many voters were taken aback by this fact and did not want to elect someone who thought she could buy her way into Congress. However, the media of today is very skilled in finding the information they want, so the blame for the loss of the election can not all be placed on McMahon. In contrast, one of the reasons why the great politician Henry Clay was never elected president was because of his involvement in the "corrupt bargain" in the election of 1824. As Speaker of the House, Clay had great influence over who would win the election. He helped Adams to get elected and, in turn, Adams named Clay Secretary of State. Had Clay been more careful to avoid being part of this "bargain", he may have had a better shot at the presidency. Similarly, had McMahon tried harder to quiet her antagonists who were announcing the vast amount of money she spent, she might've been sitting in Congress at this very moment.

President Barack Obama, being the 44th President and the first African-American President, was bound to face some hostility. This hostility had a name: Donald Trump. In 2012, Trump publicly offered President Obama a deal in which Trump would donate to a charity if the President would publish his birth certificate. Trump and many other criticizers do not believe that Obama is actually American, (or born in Hawaii as he says he is) and that that fact would force him to give up his seat in the White House. The President's stubbornness in refusing to show his birth certificate only contributes to the wide speculation over whether he is actually able or not to be President. However, his refusal shows his determination to keep helping America and shows that he will not give up on his people. The President is proof that other people should make more of an effort to keep things private.

As the old Sudanese proverb states: "To keep to one's self is to keep safe". Many things would have turned out very different had people not kept certain facts private. When you are the only person who knows something that others would value, it can be a difficult decision to decide whether or not to share it. You need to think of the repercussions, which Barack Obama did, and Linda McMahon and Henry Clay did not.

Please grade it on the SAT scale, 1-12 :)

.... this comparison is somewhat confusing... first part talks of young children and the second part does not refer to anybody;
The common idiom "keep your hands to yourself" not only applies to kindergarten, but also to people of all ages.


I feel if this sentence is presented with more clarity... I don't say it is very confusing, but if you change the sentence structure it would flow better and would be more clear to the reader.