This is a paragraph I wrote for my high school intro to anthropology, sociology, psychology class. I just want a bit of feedback on it. It's about Kimveer Gill, a guy from Montreal, Canada who started shooting randomly at Dawson College on September 13, 2006. Without further ado:
Why did Kimveer Gill murder?
Kimveer Gill was led to commit acts of violence due to various events which caused him to plunge him into a state of depression and hate, his need for control in his increasingly unstable life, and his desire to recognized in society. "[ . . . ] there was some form of imbalance that started to occur [after high school]", suggests Kimveer's former moral education and social studies teacher. His high school years were normal; he had a good number of friends, and was not bullied. However, he didn't seem to fit in very well past graduation: he dropped out of college, was 'honourably released' from the Armed Forces, and then laid off a job. In addition, his father had heart problems, and his mother was fighting breast cancer. All these events made him feel helpless - thus, he turned to violence as an answer. Kimveer's evident hunger for power is shown in his inclination for guns - 'large-calibre' ones in particular. He felt he could not properly connect with those in the real world, so he chose to join an online community, VampireFreaks.com, where he could relay his innermost feelings in his 'journal'. Kimveer called guns the Great Equalizer - evidently, he felt they could solve his problems. Many mass murderers have an interest in joining the military, so as to find an outlet for their emotions. However, Kimveer could not find balance in the army, and subsequently moved on. He describes the main character of one of his favorite videogames: "Postal dude was sad before he became angry and psychotic [ . . . ] he was normal, but the world made him the way he became." That's how Kimveer felt about himself - he was normal, but the world made him become otherwise. He was known among his acquaintances for having interest in the Columbine High School massacre, as well as 9/11 conspiracies. Richard Dupuis, commander of the major-crimes division in Montreal, noted it was clear he wanted to repeat what had happened at Columbine. In a survey Kimveer took on VampireFreaks, he expressed his wishes to die "like Romeo and Juliet - or in a hail of gunfire." Numerous other quizzes he posted on the site evaluated him as being dark, suicidal, depressed, and murderous. He even manipulated an image of a tombstone to read his name and "Lived fast, died young, left a mangled corpse." Kimveer clearly wished to die, and not only that, but to die momentously. "Think about it," said Rajiv Rajan, a childhood friend, "an anarchist would choose a central place in the city where he could create the most chaos, like shutting down the metro, having people screaming and running everywhere. [ . . . ] I think that's what he wanted." Kimveer's feeling of powerlessness, unfortunate incidents in his life, and wish for fame drove him to kill one and injure nineteen that fateful September day.
Without further ado:
Cool! I am going to steal this "without further ado-plus-colon" form of introducing things.
Kimveer Gill was led to commit acts of violence due to various events ---- seems like a weak start. It will be more efficient and powerful if you just write:
Kimveer Gill committed acts of violence due to depression and hate associated with his need for control in
his an increasingly unstable life, and his desire to
be recognized in society.
Whoa, actually I made a lot of changes in that part above... look at it carefully.
Many mass murderers have an interest in joining the military, so as to find an outlet for their emotions.
Holy Moly. Got a citation to support this? Also, it's better if you write it in a slightly different way, because this makes it sound like they were born as mass murderers.
Many mass murderers have a background or interest in the military, and they include ______, ________, and __________. (need examples to support such an assertion).
The ending is pretty great because of the specificity.
