parents involve their children
the question does not ask you how parents should involve their children do some paid jobs. If you write this, then your essay is little bit off topic and deduct your score.
they assume this is very important for their experiences of work, learning activities, and responsibility value.
Working experience brings more benefits for children such as learning activities and value commitment.
While others think this is not appropriate for children because they will not capable of the loads.
Incomplete ideas appear here, since the sentence written is only sub sentence.
For some parents think
Again, it is not parents' opinion. It is always good peruse the prompt more closely so you know what is being asked in the prompt.
Overall, although this essay has been written, such an essay does not cover the question, and tends to be off-topic. Therefore, your score ranges between 4 and 5.