Title: Patience
Patience
Lying in the dark, infinite cave, I gazed up into the crispness of the night air. The luminescent glow settled upon everything like some boundless shinning blanket. I recalled my younger days when night like this seemed so magical. However today, everything seemed so different. Licking on my paws, I heard my stomach rumbled. At first, I thought it was the thunder that clapped through the magical night sky, numbed, to the very fact that I had not eaten for three days. But, gradually, I came to a conclusion that I was hungry. Hunger had taken over my soul and had eaten me whole. I could smell fresh meat from miles away, but I did not have the energy to hunt or prey for food. I laid there, hoping that I could pass into the void and never return.
"Mommy...why do we, King of the Jungle, have to so patiently hunt for our food? Can't they just come to us and let us eat them?" I asked my mother whom was laying over me, licking my fur clean.
"Lester...Patience is of the essence. Remember that well and hunt for your prey, or else you are going to regret and have nothing to eat. When mommy is gone..."
I woke up startled. Tears flowed down my mane like streams of water and I roared with despair. "Mother...Where are you...I need you...mother" I screamed in my head while I recalled mother's scent and her continuous "melodious" nagging.
Just then, something cut my train of thoughts. At first I was annoyed as I recalled every detailed I had spending my time with mother. However what came next ruled over such feeling ï the instinct of survival.
Stampede of hooves striking against the dry soil reverberated through the dense jungle. "Are those Zebras?" I thought, slowly inching towards the mouth of the cave. I sniffed the air around me and confirmed that fresh meat was within my range. I battled against the rumbling of my stomach and moved stealthily towards my prey.
After coursing through the dense jungle, I arrived at a large plain which I had never seen before. Maybe its the aroma of food in front of me that made every inch of nature so detailed to my eyes. The sun's radiant light covers the Earth and penetrated through the blue sky. Its reflection on the lake in the middle of the plain was an image of God's most beautiful painting. I stood along the borders and gazed upon a magnificent scenery as the breeze blew across my face and comforted my soul as it relieves my troubles and hunger. The tranquility of the sun had shown me a glimpse of heaven, and the sound of wind pressing against my fur made the scene all the more perfect. The scent of fresh air cleared my thoughts as I reminisce about mother's beauty, and, once again, I caught myself thinking of her.
What broke my thought was the snorting of the zebras whom were now enjoying the crystal-like water from the lake. At first, I wanted to dash out quickly to catch my prey out of surprise. However, I recalled the dream I made last night, I remembered the advice mother gave my. Patience. I have to be patient while hunting for my prey. As such, I lay hidden in the thicket bushes around me and stay as stealthily as possible while inching closer to my prey. Every step I took, the aroma of fresh meat would drift into my nostril while I resist the temptation to run out there to capture my prey.
I laid so still and silent beneath the ground-sweeping branches that birds came and pecked unconcerned among the ferns at my feet. Time dragged slowly by as I waited patiently for the right moment to spring onto the zebra which I had locked on in front of me. I admired the succulent meat on its thigh and thought of ways to savor the meat. Then I noticed that other birds were gathering around the zebras. This was enough to make my nerve tingle. Instinct had made these little creatures retreat warily in the zebras direction. "Would the zebras detect me?...Should I go for the kill now?" I asked myself repeatedly as my patience ran thin. Hunger took over me and I gave out a roar of battle cry. I ran out of my hiding as fast as I could towards my target. Though energy was depleting in my body, I had only one objective ï the zebra.
I was running. The whole world was still and I was running. Nothing existed but me and the zebra in front of me. The beats of my hopeful heart, and short breaths of mine were all I could hear. My throat was dry, my feats were shaking and they were weaker than ever. With every crazy beat of my heart, the black curtain in front of my eyes strengthened. I knew well enough that I was not far from falling apart.
Just as I was about to give up, I noticed the zebra in front of me buckled. "Am I imagining things?" I thought, as I examined the zebra. Just then, I spotted trails of fresh blood at my feat. I grew curious and examined the zebra ever more carefully. There it was, a huge gash of blood tainted its white snowy stripes. At that moment, I finally understood mother's advice on patience ï it was not to patiently wait for my prey, but to have patience while hunting and patiently examine the weakness of my prey. I immediately doubled my speed and pounced onto the zebra with every energy I had left in me. Sinking my vicious teeth into its neck, the zebra struggled mercilessly under my bloodied paws.
"THWART" the zebra twitched violently under my paws.
"Thwart" the zebra struggled and staggered for its last breath
Then, silence. The zebra laid motionless on the bloodied ground as I sink my teeth to tear away the first piece of meat. Patience is of the essence.
Thank you...
You've got this listed under "undergraduate admission essays." Have you, indeed, written it for that purpose? What purpose do you hope to serve by using such a fantastical story as your admissions essay? To showcase your creative writing? Will you also be turning in an essay (as opposed to a short story)?
As you can perhaps tell, I'm dubious about this strategy. It's always a gamble to risk everything on a fictional work, and the theme of this fictional work -- with its ultimately bloody depiction of a kill -- might raise a red flag in readers' minds.
Also, Kenneth, I just noticed your so-called feedback to other members:
"i really like it..."
and
"love it"
After that, you expect forum members to spend their time reading this very long piece and giving you detailed feedback on it? Nope. That's just not fair. I'm locking this thread until I see that you've given real, detailed feedback to two other users. I would not do this if your writing skills were so low that you would have a hard time giving feedback to others. But, obviously, if you are capable of writing a piece of this length and complexity, you are capable of providing useful feedback to other forum members.
Furthermore i need to hand in to my teacher first thing tomorrow and the rule of posting a thread is to have at least 3 other replies on other people's thread so i kinda post them hastily. Sorry...but please give me some feedbacks...i promosie i would give my utmost reply in the future
^What level of detailed feedback would you like? Perhaps, this answer would be made obvious when you make a post with detailed feedback on somebody else's essay.
Like Simone said, you can not expect people to make considerable effort commenting on your essay, when you in turn do not do the same for others.
I've moved this to the essays and term papers thread, which seems like a better category for it than undergraduate admissions. As for general feedback, I thought the story was very well-written for a mid school assignment. It is difficult to be more specific without knowing what the instructions were and what you were supposed to accomplish with the piece. You have some grammatical errors, but they are minor, and will probably be flagged by other members once you have started offering solid feedback of your own.
