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'leading enviable lives to have a deeper education'


hehelovehaha 3 / 4  
Jun 4, 2012   #1
some people think that to have a succeddful life you have to have university education, while others think it's not that important. discuss both views and give your opinion based on personal experience and knowledge.

Some people consider it is a necessity for those who desire to lead enviable lives to have a deeper education in universities while others arrive a consensus that it is not essential to get a college diploma. In this essay, I will discuss the two points form the following aspects.

Throughout most of the 20th century, those who manage to finish primary or junior high school acquired sufficient skills and knowledge to handle most basic tasks and address working problems on a daily basis, when most large companies equipped their employees with fundamental skills through their own internal training and development programs. As a result, it is not uncommon to see employees enjoy successful careers, working in the same companies throughout entire lives.

However, the world undergoes a transformation, which put an end to those traditions. As workers jump ships more frequently, more companies keep the money used to train fresh workers, which acts as a catalyst for change in job markets. Therefore, Job seekers who grasp pragmatic knowledge which suits the demand of particular companies evidently have the edge over those who do not have. A college education can well serve as a means to the end. Moreover, people attending university can also acquire what most adults will do for a living in 21st century----learning, which is the root of any success.

So, although there are quite success stories in which those without a college education carve out a successful career, it is more likely to experience an inferior life compared with those who have.

Hence, it is wise, if one has such a chance, to gain a college degree.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 5, 2012   #2
Hi
I think you should improve the words using in an essay, because lexical resource is one of the main criteria for scoring an essay. Secondly, you should increase your information about the organization of an essay and the structure of a paragraph.

I think this essay would get the band score of 5.5 to 6, not more.

Before rewording the topic in the introduction, you should open the first paragraph with a motivator.

Throughout most of the 20th century, those who manage to finish primary or junior high school acquired sufficient skills and knowledge to handle most basic tasks and address working problems on a daily basis, when most large companies equipped their employees with fundamental skills through their own internal training and development programs.

All this is just one sentence!!! it is too long.

Each paragraph should open with an appropriate topic sentence and then support the topic statement with some examples and descriptions. Do not mix the topic sentence and supports as one sentence.

working in the same companies throughout entiretheir lives.

the world undergoes a transformation, which put an end to thosetransition from those traditional thought s and new life styles

As workers jump ships(this is an informal term. Do not use it in an essay) more frequently

more companies directing their budgets tokeep the money used to train freshinexperienced workers, which acts as a catalyst for a change in job markets

The third paragraph is revolving around job rather than education. I think you a little deviated form the topic.

Make the supports stronger with providing some examples.

So, although there are quite success stories in which those without a college education carve out a successful career, it is more likely to experience an inferior life compared with those who have.

In this paragraph you should expand your own idea. Moreover, this part of the essay has no support. Be careful about the structures of the paragraphs and essay.

Hence, it is wise, if one has such a chance, to gain a college degree.

This sentence is too short as a conclusion. At the first part of a conclusion you should restate the topic or first paragraph and then write an ending statement called "clincher".

Regards
Ahmad
flor2012 - / 2  
Jun 5, 2012   #3
Some people consider it is a necessity for those who desire to lead enviable lives to have a deeper education in universities while others arrive a consensus that it is not essential to get a college diploma.

-You can re-phrase it. For example: While some people consider necessarily to study at university to lead enviable lives, some others arrive a consensus that it is not essential to get a college diploma.

Throughout most of the 20th century, those who manage to finish primary or junior high school acquired sufficient skills and knowledge to handle most basic tasks and address working problems on a daily basis, when most large companies equipped their employees with fundamental skills through their own internal training and development programs.

too long! maybe you can chunk it

As a result, it is not uncommon to see employees enjoy successful careers, working in the same companies throughout their entire lives.

However, the world undergoes a transformation, which put an end to those traditions.
in other wordsm the same idea: However, a world transformation put an end to those tranditions.


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