Hi
I think you should improve the words using in an essay, because lexical resource is one of the main criteria for scoring an essay. Secondly, you should increase your information about the organization of an essay and the structure of a paragraph.
I think this essay would get the band score of 5.5 to 6, not more.Before rewording the topic in the introduction, you should open the first paragraph with a motivator.Throughout most of the 20th century, those who manage to finish primary or junior high school acquired sufficient skills and knowledge to handle most basic tasks and address working problems on a daily basis, when most large companies equipped their employees with fundamental skills through their own internal training and development programs.
All this is just one sentence!!! it is too long.
Each paragraph should open with an appropriate topic sentence and then support the topic statement with some examples and descriptions. Do not mix the topic sentence and supports as one sentence.working in the same companies throughout
entiretheir lives.
the world undergoes a
transformation, which put an end to thosetransition from those tradition
al thought s
and new life stylesAs workers
jump ships(this is an informal term. Do not use it in an essay) more frequently
more companies
directing their budgets tokeep the money used to train
freshinexperienced workers, which acts as a catalyst for
a change in job markets
The third paragraph is revolving around job rather than education. I think you a little deviated form the topic.Make the supports stronger with providing some examples.So, although there are quite success stories in which those without a college education carve out a successful career, it is more likely to experience an inferior life compared with those who have.
In this paragraph you should expand your own idea. Moreover, this part of the essay has no support. Be careful about the structures of the paragraphs and essay.
Hence, it is wise, if one has such a chance, to gain a college degree.
This sentence is too short as a conclusion. At the first part of a conclusion you should restate the topic or first paragraph and then write an ending statement called "clincher".
Regards
Ahmad