"Learning is power" - toefl-why people go to colleges or universities?

Many people attend colleges. They think it is necessary to study in colleges for starting to get a job. As a result, people know that getting a good education is most important for their future. However, the main reasons people want to go there include expansion of knowledge and gaining self-reliance.

First of all, when people go to colleges, they expand their knowledge. They choose their major, and then they learn from colleges. If they graduate, they will be a professional of their major. Some say that people can study alone, but that has limitations. For example, if you try to solve a difficult mathematics question on your own, you might not solve it in even a whole day. On the other hand, if you have the knowledge gained from a math class, you could solve it in a very short time. Colleges provide many kinds of opportunities including learning by teacher, peers, getting information from library, and so on, not just for securing a good job. Moreover, People can not live just bread and water. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, people usually pursue to earn the esteem of the public and to achieve self-actualization beyond deficiency needs. Colleges are places where people are fulfill the demands of living a good life.

Furthermore, in colleges people learn how to live in society on their own. Before they go to colleges, parents or teachers take care of them. However, after they enter colleges, they have to do everything themselves such as washing their clothes, cleaning their room, taking care of bills, and so on. For instance, when they live in the dormitories, the dormitories have rules. They learn how to live in society by following these rules. If they do not keep the rules, they will get penalties, because they are not children but adults. Nobody can do their chores for them anymore, so they have to learn what their responsibilities are. They have to know that making errors and fixing them, is learning, and there are chances before they go to society. Society will not allow their mistakes.

To sum up, learning is power. People who have more knowledge than others can receive more opportunities and benefits. Also, colleges help to achieve self-fulfillment. I am totally sure that going to the colleges help people prepare for going out into society easily.

I took a cursory look at your essay and here are my initial feedbacks.

>> We think about to go to colleges or universities is necessary for starting to get a job

I think this should be something like "We think that it is necessary to study in a college/university in order to get a good job"

>> For example, everybody has this kind of experience before.

What do you mean by 'this kind' ?

>> When you solved a mathemetics question, you could not solve it whole day

I feel that this sentence structure is not satisfying.

And other feedbacks also same as above.

My general feedback is you have to improve your language and try to be more fluent. Try to start with a strong introduction which has a thesis and 3 or 4 supporting statements. In the subsequent passages elaborate each statement with example and conclude with a recap of your thesis.

Good luck!

Maybe Susan changed the subject. We try to fill each subject with key words so that others can find the thread by searching EF, and that way your essay can benefit other learners.

I want to tell you that this is a weak thesis statement: "However, they want to go there for several specific reasons."
You have the right idea: it s good to tel the reader what you will discuss in the essay, but instead of giving a simple, meaningless sentence like this you should give a sentence that ASSERTS your MAIN IDEA.

However, they want to go there for several specific reasons. However, the main reasons people want to go there include expansion of knowledge and gaining self-reliance.

(above) I think this is a better thesis, because it tells the reader the point you are trying to make. If you had even more reasons to write about, you could use 3 or 4:

However, the main reasons people want to go there include expansion of knowledge, enjoying social situations, practicing self-discipline, and gaining self-reliance.

As a novice of English writing I am shocked by those feedbacks .They are so specific and strict...I think one of your essay's good point is your perspective on the very detail describe.

First off, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that college and university are somewhat interchangeable. But college is just a bit broader, so I think that instead of writing "colleges or universities," you can just put "colleges."


This will make things more succinct.


Shorter and sounds better. :]


Here, I think you should "it" to "that" because it seems a little ambiguous to me. By using that, it'll be clearer that you are referring to that action of studying alone.


This might add the effect you want. Now it sounds like: even if you are given a lot of time, there are some things you cannot do alone. :]


What kinds of help? Try to be more specific.


I don't know... to me, the transition to this section seems a little abrupt. Adding a smoother transition to the first sentence should help. Although I understand why that sentence is there, I think it will be better if you leave it out.

I corrected by your advices, and I add some more~ : )

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To Kevin
I agree with you. I think I make specific reasons will be better.

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To Tom
Hi~ Nice to meet you. I met a beginner like me. I glad to see you here~

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To Dongho
Ooops... When I retype, I found thoes... Two necessarys... This is real big mistake~!! ;(
I was so drowsing at that time...

Maybe you're right.. I changed from colleges to colleges and universities...

'it in even a whole day' I understand what you mean, but I couldn't understand why you put 'in' there?? Can you explain for me??

I know you removed 'Moreover, humans need more than clothes, food, and shelter' for me...
But I'm not sure everybody can understand Maslow's theory... so I changed little bit.
How about that?? I hope it will be better than before

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To everybody..

I already crossed out, but I don't know how much different everyday and every day??
Anyone can help me??

Thank you everybody who read my essay~ :)

Hey, you did something good here, but I have to change it.
You can write, "People go to concerts" and it is good to keep 'people' and 'concerts' both PLURAL.

Yet, when you write "people go to college" you do not need an s.
A common expression is "go to college." So... write like this:
First of all, when people go to college , they expand their knowledge.

everyday and every day??
Do it like this:
I enjoy my everyday activities, such as jogging and studying.
I jog and study every day.

"Everyday" is an adjective. It comes before a noun.
Getting shot with an arrow is not an everyday event.
Getting shot with an arrow is not something that happens every day.

Thank you for your help Kevin~!!
I'm still confuse single and plural.
and then, my Korean English Dictionary is wrong.
It said to me everyday can be noun and adjective.
However Oxford dic says adjective.
So I will check English dictionary when I have a question before I ask you.

Thank you so much every time~~ : )

It is so hard! But actually "every day" is interesting.

every day = each day ----- they are used the same way.
everyday (as one word) becomes an adjective that means "occurring every day or as an ordinary, common occurrence." That is just my definition! I don't know what the dictionary says... :-)