trying to get back stuff left in a gym
You left a bag of equipment at the gym last night. The gym has closed down for a week, and you can't get in. Your bag contains some notes you need urgently, your driving license and some important letters.
I usually visit your fitness center every Friday and Saturday by accessing my membership account. It has come to my attention that your gym is about to close down for a week starting today. Unfortunately, my bag of equipment was left behind in the gymnasium last night. Therefore, I am writing to make inquire about my belongings which currently remain in the building at this time.
Some of my important documents such as customer's phone list, business cards and meeting notes, are in the bag. Those are essential and important for the business lecture that I am going to participate in next week. Besides, there are a pair of sneakers, ski cap and pink mittens, which are birthday gifts to my niece on Tuesday. The most important is that my driving license presently stays inside the bag. I would not manage to drive until it is returned to me.
It would be so nice of you to providing me on how to obtain my belongings as soon as possible. I apologize for making such an inconvenient task and I appreciate that you take your time to notice my email.
I am looking forward to hearing from you at your convenient.
Han, don't use the word stuff in a professional letter. It's more of a colloquial usage.
The letter is too long. No one has the time to read such a long letter. Make it short and crisp. Just state the reason you're writing the letter, and try to finish it within one paragraph. Plus, work on your grammar. For e.g. 'therefore I am writing to inquire not make inquire, or I would not be able to drive until I have my driving license with me.
End your letter in a crisp manner. Just say - It would be kind of you if you could help me out on how to obtain my belongings. I apologise for the inconvenience caused.
I look forward to hear from you. Thank you for your time.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3444
Han, your letter is incorrect when it comes to the presentation of information and your plan of action. When you say "your gym is about to close down for a week" that implies that the gym is not yet closed but will be closing. As per the instructions you were given the gym is already closed. So the proper reference would have been, "your gym is currently closed for the whole week." The term currently indicates that the action is ongoing.
Now, you are not writing to inquire about your belongings. You are writing to inquire about how you can get your belongings from inside the gym. When writing a letter based upon previously set instructions, there is no need to add information. For this letter, you need only have written about the note you need, license, and important letters. The gift to your niece is not indicated as an important part of the letter you are writing and should not be referenced as that is a deviation from the required discussion.
Finally, you should be requesting for information about whom to contact in order to get your things from inside the gym. Offer your contact details such as your email and mobile number and indicate the times you can be reached by phone. Or ask for the name and number of the person you can reach out to in order to get assistance regarding this matter.
Hi Han, although you did cover the prompt requirement in this letter, there are mistakes that would cause you to get a lower score in the actual test.
....Friday and Saturday by
accessing my membership account.
Highly unnecessary. I understand that you might want to increase the word count by doing so, but adding ineffective details would make your essay weaker as a result.
that your gym
is about to close down.....
The gym has already been closed down instead of closing it down today. Let's look at the prompt again.
....The gym has closed down for a week, and you can't get in.....
Presenting the wrong timing, you might be treated as misunderstood the prompt.
I am writing to make
inquire is a verb.
.... is that my driving license
presently stays inside the bag.
is in the bag. Again, no need to be ostentatious at this point.
...so nice of you to
To + infinitive
I hope you can find out what your weaknesses are and focus on correcting them, that way, you will become a better writer soon!