Thank you John and Dumi for your comments!
If you were to do an outline for this essay, how would it look?
This is my outline:
- Introduction: Disagree with the opinion
- Body 1: Media helps obtain update information
- Body 2: Media helps librarians with management work
- Conclusion: Summarise my ideas
There are other problems (mostly related to word choice) in these sentences alone
I have trouble expressing my ideas in a simple way. Redundant words and lack of coherence are the consequence.
Your body paragraphs should contain more simplified examples for your reasoning
Should I add several personal examples in my body paragraphs? I could think of some but I wasn't sure whether putting something personal in my Ielts essay is ok.