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(TOEFL) Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children.


Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Hello!
I have just completed my pieces of writing but don't have anyone to help me out. Hope that you guys can help me from structure and grammer perspectives. Since it is a 30-minute test, I did not do any modificatons by now and hope that you could give a mark (out of 30).

Thanks so much.
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Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development of society which made a drastic change in daily life. It is convenient to surf the Internet and to travel all over the world nowadays, not to mention colossal transformations of life in China. Personally speaking, life today is more convenient and comfortable than it was when my grandparents were children.

First of all, it is evident that a few decades ago, there was no access to the Internet or computers until 1980s. My grandparents do not have a good command of computers , while I am born in the Internet era, which gives me a fantastic oppotunity to learn what is happening all over the world and to make relationship with different people through social medias.

What's more, it is difficult to obscure the fact that people are more capable of travelling around the world whenever they want for the sake of the online tickets selling. Thanks to this improvement, we are able to go outside to meet different people, to make acquitances and broaden our horizons to discover the ideal lifestyles.

Last but not least, the world has witnessed the great changes of China since 1980s, which virtually improved the standards of people's life. According to the memory of my grandpa, it was a daydream to have meat when he was a child and children could be happy for several days after eating a candy owing to planning-economy. In 1980s, there was a famous reform which transformed people's life, so that I can purchase whatever I love from the market recently.

To conclude, there is no doubt that living today is easier that it was in the past , especially in a developng country, where a reform changes our lives in many aspects, such as computers and travelling and so on.

sntinn 8 / 36 9  
Jan 31, 2016   #2
Comments: I think your grammar is almost perfect. My major concern is about your writing style.
I find that your example is a bit uneven. That is, the first two examples are very broad as it seems to be applicable to every life in this planet; however, the last example seems to be very specific about the place, China. So, my suggestion is that, instead of focusing on China in the last example, you may instead focus about the year, such as during world war 2, the period of time when people around the world experienced economic crisis and famine.

Your grammar errors are corrected as follows:

1st Paragraph
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development ofin society, which made a drastic change in daily life. After 1980s,it is convenient to surfthere have been the development on the Internet, to travelingall over the world nowadays , not to mention , and colossaleconomic transformations of life in China.

2nd Paragraph
... opportunity to learn what is happening all over the world and to make relationshipconnect with different people through social medias .

3rd Paragraph
What's more,(What's more is non-academic)Moreover, it is difficult to obscure the fact ...
... to make acquitt ances and broaden our horizons to discover the ideal lifestyles.


Comments :

people are more capable of travelling around the world whenever they want for the sake of the online tickets selling

...... Are you saying that our lives has been improved by the ticket online system ? You can make it better by mentioning about the development of air-plain engineering systems, or the travelling systems as a whole.

4th Paragraph
Last but not least, the world has witnessed the great changes ofin China since 1980s, which ...
... it was a daydream to have meat when he was a child , and children could be happy...
In 1980s, there was a famous reform which transformed people's lifeves , so that Ipeople can purchase whatever they want from the market recently .


5th Paragraph
... especially in a developing country. where a reform changes Our lives inhave been improved due to computers network communications,andtravellingtravelling systems , and economic reformso on .

Comments : The final paragraph is about rephrasing what you have mentioned. The development of computer is different from the development in networking and communication systems. Your second paragraph is talking about the benefits of having Internet which is closer to networking and communication systems, not the computer.


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