Comments: I think your grammar is almost perfect. My major concern is about your writing style.
I find that your example is a bit uneven. That is, the first two examples are very broad as it seems to be applicable to every life in this planet; however, the last example seems to be very specific about the place, China. So, my suggestion is that, instead of focusing on China in the last example, you may instead focus about the year, such as during world war 2, the period of time when people around the world experienced economic crisis and famine.
Your grammar errors are corrected as follows:1st ParagraphWithin the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development
ofin society, which made a drastic change in daily life. After 1980s, it is convenient to surfthere have been the development on the Internet, to traveling all over the world nowadays , not to mention , and colossaleconomic transformations of life in China.2nd Paragraph... opportunity to learn what is happening all over the world and to make relationshipconnect with different people through social media s .3rd Paragraph What's more,(What's more is non-academic)Moreover, it is difficult to obscure the fact ...
... to make acquitt ance
s and broaden our horizons to discover the ideal lifestyles.Comments
people are more capable of travelling around the world whenever they want for the sake of the online tickets selling
...... Are you saying that our lives has been improved by the ticket online system ? You can make it better by mentioning about the development of air-plain engineering systems, or the travelling systems as a whole.4th ParagraphLast but not least, the world has witnessed the great changes
ofin China since 1980s, which ...
... it was a daydream to have meat when he was a child , and children could be happy...
In 1980s, there was a famous reform which transformed people's li
feves , so that Ipeople can purchase whatever they want from the market recently .5th Paragraph... especially in a developing country. where a reform changes Our lives inhave been improved due to computers network communications, and travellingtravelling systems , and economic reform so on .Comments
: The final paragraph is about rephrasing what you have mentioned. The development of computer is different from the development in networking and communication systems. Your second paragraph is talking about the benefits of having Internet which is closer to networking and communication systems, not the computer.