Hello, can somebody help me edit my turning points essay.
"Life is like riding a bicycle, you don't fall off unless you plan to stop peddling."
-Claude Pepper
A few months ago, every school day, the cross country team and I practise along the tracks beside our school. With one common goal, to do well at the area meet. Even though I wasn't the best runner in the school, and knew that I wouldn't be able to continue along to the regional track meet, I didn't give up.
I was at the starting line, I could hear my heart beat, as I waited for the gun to be shot. BANG, the next second it was chaos, people were pushing and shoving each other I even saw someone fall. Recklessly I started to run, scared that I would end up like the boy who had just fell.
I had wasted too much energy from sprinting away, away from the chaos of what I had used to think of as a friendly competition, it made me think, of what I usually see on the news. Reports on casualties in Iraq. Mostly civilians hurt in the act of road side bombings, and suicide bombings. I tried to clear out my mind, but the image was just too much.
I was about to give up, stop running. I was frantically gasping for air, every breath I took was harder, a struggle. This reminded me of a presentation earlier this year, "Me to We" ctv.ca/metowe/ In one part there was a guest speaker, his name was Michelle, he talked about what had happened to him when he was 5 years old. He was abducted to become a child soldier. He was forced to kill his best friend, "Kevin", luckily he managed to escape during one of his missions to raid a village. He had to run 3 days, and 3 nights in a jungle. And here I was, saying to myself " How can a 5 year old boy run 3 days and 3 nights without complaining while I complained about running the slightest distance compared to him.
He had influenced me to continue to run. Even though I didn't win the race. I had the heart to continue to run, every step of the race without stopping. Even though I struggled for every breath, I had realized that there are many others that are in more desperate situations that struggle for each and every breath that they take, and for many other things in the world.
"the cross country team and I practised along the tracks beside our school"
"I would end up like the boy who had just fallen ."
"I had wasted too much energy from sprinting away, away from the chaos of what I had used to think of as a friendly competition, it made me think, of what I usually see on the news. Reports on casualties in Iraq. Mostly civilians hurt in the act of road side bombings, and suicide bombings. I tried to clear out my mind, but the image was just too much." The movement from running in a friendly race to bombings in Iraq seems a bit contrived, here.
Even if it was you who fell, and hit your head perhaps, then had this series of thoughts or flashbacks, I would start this over. At least you should try for smoother transitions between running and bombings and a five year old killing his best friend...
:)
Was this suppose to relate to the quote about life being like riding a motorcycle? you need to find a better way to transition between the race and the bombing.
With one common goal, to do well at the area meet. I think this is a fragment so you should fix it.
BANG, the next second it was chaos,the BANG without the exclamation point doesn't give it the dramatic effect I think you want.
He was forced to kill his best friend, Kevin,
not really sure where your going with this...
