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All my life i had been wrong and now i had to pay!


dumbdumb 2 / 20  
Apr 12, 2011   #1
I sat there panting heavily, hot tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart beat raised to a rate i had never experienced before , making it hard for me to breathe. In this narrow, dark ally on this harsh, cold night, i felt like i had been transported into one of those horror movies with a full moon, dirty trash cans and black cats here and there. But what other choice did I have? they were looking for us. me and Momi, and they weren't going to to rest until they found us...

Momi wasn't much of a companion at this terrifying moment, looking at her just added added to my fears. Her paralyzed body lay in my arms, she was pale from the shock and the drain of blood, her lips slightly parted, as if she wanted to say something to me, and a single tear rolled down her right cheek. I felt sorry and angry at the same time, she was in such a miserable condition but after all it was her fault that we were in this situation.

I had always thought Momi was a little stupid but tonight she had proved me wrong! she wasn't stupid, she was insane!
We were out in the city much later than usual, roaming around aimlessly on my scooter. Tired and bored of all the travelling I stopped the scooter near a park. The park was usually lit up but whenever there was a full moon the lights remained closed so people stayed away from the park that day. But of course if normal people stayed away from the place Momi had to go there. So as soon as i had stopped the scooter she rushed towards the park followed by me trying my best to stop her. As we reached the gate our mouth dropped open at the sight.

All these years i had lived a life of delusion. ignoring true facts and storied by calling them myths and legends. All these years I had turned away from the truth, but not anymore! now I knew the reality, now I knew they existed, now I knew that goblins were real...

they weren't anything like books had described them, they were much worse! Their huge faces were mostly covered by their large, yellow, pupil-less eyes, they had cat like ears, a small dog like tail and an over all disgusting appearance with their shiny, baggy, moss-green skin. the shock would have taken everyone for a few seconds but after that anyone in their right mind would have fled. But then again who said Momi was a right minded person?

i have only written 1/3rd of the story right now but i still hope you help me out in improving it...
jamliu0229 9 / 24  
Apr 13, 2011   #2
Mommy wasn't much of a companion at this terrifying moment, looking at her just added added to my fears. Her paralyzed body lay in my arms, and she was pale from the shock and the drain of blood. What is more, her lips slightly parted, as if she wanted to say something to me with a single tear rolled down her right cheek. Nevertheless, I felt sorry and angry at the same time, because she was in such a miserable condition but after all it was her fault that we were in this situation.

I had always thought Momi was a little stupid but tonight she had proved me wrong! She wasn't stupid, she was but insane!
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
Apr 13, 2011   #3
dude ur corrections actully messed up my essay! im not taking about mi mom! its Momi its a name

and this sentence u just edited for me "They, mom and I weren't going to to rest..." makes no sense at all

and the reason i didnt add the "and" there is because there was gonna b an and after that
Her paralyzed body lay in my arms, and she was pale from the shock and the drain of blood

nd the last edit "She wasn't stupid, she was but insane!" takes away the intensity and emotions of the sentence!
any ways thanks for trying to help
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 14, 2011   #4
right minded

Use a hyphen:
right-minded

dude ur corrections actully messed up my essay! im not taking about mi mom! its Momi its a name

Take it easy dumbdumb, you are missing the point of this kind of collaboration. You have to get all sorts of reactions to find out the effect your essay has on people. You did create confusion that detracts from the reader's experience, because the reader immediately thinks of "Mommy" when hearing that name. In order to enhance the reader's experience it might be better to rename Momi.

Also, the way Jamliu challenged you caused you to reflect on little details about your writing, and that sort of metacognitive practice is a big part of what you get from collaborating here. Know what I mean?

That first para is very powerful. Your way of telling the story is really effective. You're very talented, I think! One idea: You cose to be mysterious about who Momi was, but is that necessary? You used great imagery, but the image cannot be complete in the reader's mind if you do not let them know who Momi is.

:-)
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Apr 14, 2011   #5
I know a girl - Momina - I think your friend's name may be a contraction of that !

Your writing is good, and you're doing your entire country a really good turn writing on this forum. Not just your writing but even your imagination matches with the best in US or any English speaking country.

Hope to see more from you !
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
Apr 19, 2011   #6
hahahaha sorry about that jamliu 0229:P
nd thanx everyone.:)
rajiv you are right momi is momina:D

ill try to correct my mistakes next time i post here:)
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
Apr 19, 2011   #7
this is the continuation of the story:

She pulled out her camera and took a snap shot with the flash light on... This grabbed their attention and they turned to us. I was in much shock and could barely move so Momina had to drag me to the scooter. We fled and i couldn't help asking her what she had been thinking, she tried her justifications with me saying she now had proof of the existence of goblins but who was going to believe her? People would just say that the picture had been fake or animated. But i had no time to pour my anger out on her. Even at the speed of 120 km/hour the goblins were quickly catching up until i finally turned into a brighter lane, they suddenly disappeared and i thought we had lost them but I soon realized they were moving right beside us in the shadows of the trees.

I sped up the scooter and turned into a darkened lane and as soon as I did so they leapt at us grabbing Momina and pulling her off the scooter. My heart skipped a beat and I lost control of the scooter which slipped throwing me 10 feet off the spot. By the time I recovered and rushed back to Momina they had already given her several injuries. She had been paralyzed and bitten at several places. They stuck to her like leaches and didn't let her out of their grasp, until finally lights from a passing-by car scared them off.

I took the chance and grabbing Momina by her shoulders, i began dragging her off to safety. It took me all my efforts to do so but I succeeded. Thats how we ended up here in this ally between these trash-cans. But now, after sitting here and going over the story I realized that I had made the stupidest mistake anyone could possibly make! The goblins were scared of the light and only came out when there was a full moon, that is why they had been avoiding the lit up street! That is why the lights of the park were always turned off on nights of a full moon! that is why the goblins attacked us after the flash! And here I was, hiding in the darkest possible place i could find.

What could I do now? I had already come here and there was no possible way i could survive if I attempted to get out of here. All I had to do was to get through the night and I would be safe. Well, at least I had the flash in Momina's camera to help me if the goblins found us... who was I kidding! It wasn't going to be any help! I was trying to be optimistic but with a paralyzed friend in one hand and a cell-phone with no network in the other, it was kind of difficult. We were going to die here and there was nothing any one could do to save us now! I heard rustling nearby and realized that the chase was finally over... The first ray of the morning sun came out to renew my hopes. The sun had given us a new life and we were grateful to it creator.

As the sunlight finally spread over the night sky I picked Momina up and headed home. We had survived, the goblins were gone and we were safe.. well at least till the next full moon.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Apr 20, 2011   #8
I prefer 'Momi'. Give us the final third, as you promised in your first post !
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
Apr 20, 2011   #9
I still gotta write that:)
but i figured i should work on smaller stories because the word limit is 500 words in my CIE exams
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 21, 2011   #10
Awesome... alright, now I am getting sucked into the story. Very cool action and descriptions.. I think you are really talented for this kind of writing, because you lead my attention from one image to the next. I mean, you hit my mind with image after image.

Hey, for the name thing... how about saying Momina the first time and then calling her Momi after that? Maybe I was wrong before when I thought it would create confusion. I think I was over-analyzing that...

:-)
hafsa abid 4 / 40  
May 6, 2011   #11
prefer 'Momi'. Give us the final third, as you promised in your first post !
axa - / 4  
May 7, 2011   #12
The sun had given us a new life and we were grateful to it creator.
it's

that's the only mistake I could find :)


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