Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 3

IELTS Writing task 1: Lifespan of salmon


nhiduong2001 2 / 4  
May 19, 2020   #1

Life cycle of salmon



The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of a large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The given diagram explains the lifespan of salmon.
Overall, there are totally four different stages in salmon's life, starting with eggs and continuing until they reach adult size.
At the beginning of the cycle, adult salmons lay a massive number of eggs in the upper river where the water flow is slow. The eggs are hidden under reed and small stones for about five to eight months until they hatch into baby salmons termed "fry" and measure three to eight centimetres in length. For approximately the next four years, these baby fish live in the lower and faster-moving water of the river.

When the salmons reach 12 to 15 centimetres long, they turn into a new stage called 'smolt'. At this time, they begin to migrant to the open sea where they spend about five years living. During this time, smolts grow quickly in size and reach 70 to 75 centimetres long to be called adult salmon. Finally, the adults swim upstream to reach the upper river where they reproduce a new generation and then the life cycle start again.


  • Life cycle of salmon

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,568 2485  
May 19, 2020   #2
The proper presentation format for the task 1 essay requires a 3 paragraph presentation offering:
- Summary overview = Trending statement
- First data analysis
- Second data analysis

You compressed your illustrative report too much. Learn to divide the presentation into separate paragraphs such as:
- Summary overview
- Beginning cycle
- End cycle

If you are taking the CBT test, use the Enter key to separate your summary overview from the next paragraph. Use two Enter keystrokes to create the space between paragraphs. Otherwise, the paragraphs look like connected sentences. If you are using the pencil test, leave enough space , about one space between the paragraph presentations.

That way you meet the formatting requirements. Don't forget, use between 3-5 sentences per paragraph to meet the individual paragraph sentence requirements. If you don't, you run the risk of writing using run-on sentences instead of a mix of simple and complex sentence.

You do not use enough punctuation marks in the essay. You should be using a mix of commas, periods, and semicolons in the presentation. For example:

YV: The eggs are hidden under reed and small stones for about five to eight months until they hatch into baby salmons termed "fry" and measure three to eight centimetres in length.

MV: The eggs are hidden under a reed and small stones for about 5 to 8 months. The eggs then hatch and are identified as "fry". The fry measures anywhere from 3 to 8 centimeters in length.


Using a period more frequently in the presentation helps to clarify the explanation to the reader. When you do not use enough punctuation marks, it becomes difficult for the reader to follow the train of thought and information presentation. Always cut up the presentation into mixed length sentences. Make sure you have only one set of data per sentence. That should help keep the data presentation clear and understandable to the reader. Here is another sample:

YV: During this time, smolts grow quickly in size and reach 70 to 75 centimetres long to be called adult salmon
MV: During this time, smolts rapidly increase in size, with its sizes ranging from 70 to 75 centimeters. These smolts are then called "adult salmon".


As you can see, you can write more words in the essay, provided the words help to add to the cohesiveness and coherence of each sentence / paragraph. Don't get me wrong, you wrote well. It's just that, there is room for improvement in your work.
OP nhiduong2001 2 / 4  
May 19, 2020   #3
Dear @Holt,
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. I have just started learning writing, so your feedback will help me a lot in my work.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Lifespan of salmon