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Ielts: Just like different types of foods, different measures are required to improve public health


SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 20, 2014   #1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The following is my essay. Please kindly help me to correct it and give me some suggestions to improve

The public health problems are receiving more and more attention in recent years. The measures of improving the public health are considered not only by the government, but also by individuals. However, there are two different opinions towards them.

Some people believe that increasing the number of sports facilities for the ordinary people is the most significant way to improve public health. Nowadays, with the development of technologies, the life of people is getting easier and easier. However, this change results in many health problems such as obesity. One of the most important reasons for this is that we do not have enough physical exercises in our daily life. Therefore, public health would be improved to a large extent if more sports facilities are available, which could encourage people to have more sports and keep physically fit.

The others, however, argue that it is far from enough to construct the sports facilities. The effect of this measure is limited and thus other measures are needed. By doing sports, one can get fit and keep away from many diseases. But our health could not be guaranteed by the single way. Other factors, such having a healthy diet, having a good schedule of working and relaxing, and having a good mood are equivalently important for the health. The corresponding measures should be considered as well.

As far as I am concerned, although the public health would benefit from the increasing of sports facilities, other measures such as providing more healthy foods and better medical cares are effective as well. Just like different types of foods are necessary for a kid to grow up healthily, different measures are required to improve public health.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 20, 2014   #2
However, this change results in many health problems such as obesity. One of the most important reasons for this is that we do not have enough physical exercises in our daily life. Therefore, public health would be improved to a large extent if more sports facilities are available, which could encourage people to have more sports and keep physically fit.

here, it is better if you explain more about obesity, the effects from obesity for human life, so not only mention the factor that causes obesity but also the impacts of it
Mann_ms 9 / 20 5  
Sep 20, 2014   #3
The public health problems are receiving more and more attention in recent years. The measures of improving the public health are considered not only by the government, but also by individuals. However, there are two different opinions towards them.

as I know, Intoduction in IELTS writing task 2 consists of several points:
Hook or Lead: to get reader's attention.
Background: to enlarge an argument or parafrase the question.
Thesis statement: to clarify your opinion or choice

And your intro need thesis statement. :)
OP SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 21, 2014   #4
Hi, Mann_ms. Thanks for your suggestion. Yet it's not very clear to me. Do you have any reference for this, for example a book, or a websit link etc.
Mann_ms 9 / 20 5  
Sep 21, 2014   #5
Hi SAM2014..
Explanation about thesis statement, you can search via youtube..
Search Intorduction IELTS writing Task 2..:)

Youtube is one of my reference..


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