{IELTS} Task 1: line and bar chart of monthly temperature and precipitation

Hi all. It's my first time posting an essay here. Please give me some advice on it. If you're a teacher, and if it's not against the community rules, please help grade it too. Thanks!

P.S.: I am not able to type the symbol of 'degree'. 'C' will be referring to 'degree Celsius' in this essay.

the amount of rainfall and temperature (chart analysis)

My answer:
The bar and line chart demonstrates the amount of rainfall, measured in mm, and the temperature, with C as the unit, every month across a year.

Generally, the temperature change recorded monthly fluctuates between a mere 10 C whilst the measurement of precipitation differs significantly throughout one year.

It is evident that the amount of rainfall peaked in July and August at approximately 325 mm. In contrast, the temperature already reached its climax in April and May in which a 30 C was recorded. However, the measured rainfall and temperature both, coincidently, met their lowest point in December and January, with the minimum precipitation at 20 mm and temperature at 20 C.

It is further noted that for the amount of rainfall, it skyrocketed from 100 mm in May to 280 mm in the next month, and slumped, with an obvious difference of roughly 150 mm, from 300 mm in September to merely half of this amount in October. It further plunged to 25 mm in the following month. On the other hand though, the temperature recorded rose gradually from January to April and decreased steadily from May onwards.

(188 words, 20.5 mins)

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In the first sentence, I think it should be 'demonstrate' with no 's' in the end.
The second sentence should be in the past tense.

I have to offer you apologies because scoring is no longer part of the free essay review services at this forum. For scoring and advanced review requirements, you should consider our private review service or making this thread URGENT. Only the basic review services can be given to you at this point.

In the summary overview, you should have identified the image as a combined bar and line chart with intersecting information. You should have also acknowledged that precipitation was represented by the green bar measurements and the temperature, by the red line indicators. Your overview summary is incomplete and does not properly represent the paragraph requirement of 3-5 sentences, inclusive of the trending statement.

Avoid using word fillers like "coincidentally". You are pressed for time with this task at 20 minutes, so do not waste time writing useless words. You did not go too much over time as far as I can tell. The problem, is that you took too much time writing the essay so you ran out of time to edit your work for spelling and grammar errors. You have to leave between 2-5 minutes for that part of the task. So learn how to outline the essay discussion points before you write your draft, that way you will be able to write faster and have some time left afterwards for editing.