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IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing electricity generated from 3 sources in New York


maihaan 3 / 9 2  
Aug 26, 2020   #1
Please help me to improve my essay. I did realize it is longer than it supposed to be, but I am not sure which information should be redundant.

amount of electricity produced from different energy sources



The given line chart compares how much electricity was generated from three sources to provide New York in two decades from 1980. While the quantity of petroleum and natural gas experienced upward trends, the remaining went down slightly. Also, petroleum always contributed the most energy while natural gas overtook coal to become the second common source of supply.

Commencing by 350 million kW hours in 1980, the petroleum figure rapidly increased to 600 million kW hours just 5 years later, before bound back to its beginning level in 1990. This figure then rose roughly two-fold to reach its peak at 720 million kW hours at the end of the observed period.

In 1980, there were around 210 million kW hours of electricity using the coal supply, compared with 100 million kW hours produced by natural gas. Afterwards, the amount of natural gas remained lower than the other for ten years before surpassed coal figure in 1990. During the next decade, the former underwent a remarkable growth of 300 million kW hours to top out at 500 million kW hours in 2000. Meanwhiles, coal generated a relatively stable amount of nearly 200 million kW hours in the period, making it end up at the lowest rank among the researched sources.




DiepVu99 9 / 21 9  
Aug 26, 2020   #2
I would like to show you some problems in your essay.
The first things is about the structure. What can improve your score is that you have clear paragraphs with meaning and analyzes. I suggest you should separate an own paragraph for an overview about general trends of lines, do not mention any detail. It should be put between the first sentence about rewrite the require in another way and the first body paragraph about detailed information.

The second thing is that you should balance 2 body paragraphs. Now, I see that you just wrote a too short one and a long one. The former seems to include run-on sentences that you can divide them into proper sentences.

Hope that you can improve your essay by my comments!
Ella Pham 1 / 3  
Aug 26, 2020   #3
You should seperate the paragraph clearly. I recommend your body paragraph should be devided into 2 body paragraph
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,341 3363  
Aug 26, 2020   #4
To properly write this report and stay within the recommended word count, you need to learn to group the information into 3 parts:
- Summary overview + trending statement
- Data report 1 (most obvious information)
- Data report 2 (Overlapping information or additional information not relevant to the first presentation)

In the summary report, make sure you indicate all of the required information. In this presentation, you almost did that correctly. You failed to present the overview information for coal in the paragraph. Your trending presentation focused only on 2 of the 3 energy sources. You should just vary the information based on what the focus of the second paragraph would be. For example, a simple trending statement could have said :

Natural gas and petroleum were constantly upward in terms of producing electricity while coal eventually entered into a stagnant production phase.

The trend of all 3 production lines were clearly presented within the summary, without confusing the reader regarding the factual data at that point. You do not need to mention several trends in one paragraph, just one. You are not going to be scored on the number of trends that you found in the essay. Just the clarity of one trending sentence.
OP maihaan 3 / 9 2  
Aug 26, 2020   #5
Thank @DiepVu99, @Ella Pham and especially @Holt for your comments. I really appreciate your guide and advice.
Tri Nhan 5 / 10  
Aug 29, 2020   #6
I suggest you should separate your own paragraph for an overview of general trends of lines and do not mention any detail; furthermore, I think that you should achieve the balance between 2 body paragraphs. This writing task is a trend, you should be straightforward to the figure; however, basically quite good.
OP maihaan 3 / 9 2  
Sep 5, 2020   #7
@Tri Nhan Thank for your comment!


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