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The line chart below shows the percentage of people in different age groups who played video games


winterr 1 / -  
Oct 8, 2021   #1

Stats regarding video games players



The given graph illustrates the proportion of people in various age groups spending over 10 hours per week playing video games from 1984 to 2003.

Overall, it is evident that the percentage of people playing video games more than 10 hours a week of all age groups all increased during the given period. Furthermore, the figure for the 15 to 24-years-old was by far the highest during the whole period.

In 1984, the percentage of people in the 15-24 age group was highest, at approximately 20%, while the figures for 7-14-year-olds and 25-35-year-olds were considerably lower at roughly 13% and 8% respectively. Meanwhile, only 2% of people who were aged over 35 did this activity. Between 1996 and 2000, the proportion of 15-24-year-old people sharply fluctuated and reached the highest point of around 52%, while the figures for persons aged 7-14 and 25-34 changed slightly to just over 20%. Conversely, the trend of people aged 35+ went up steadily to just under 20%.

In 2003, the proportion of persons who were 15-25 decreased slightly to approximately 50% and became the highest figure in the table, while there were significant increases to roughly 35% and 30% in the figures for people aged 7-14 and 25-34. Meanwhile, the figure for people aged 35 and over experienced a dramatic rise of around 25%.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,749 3795  
Oct 10, 2021   #2
An effective summary overview Uses at least 3 sentences. Each sentence contains one descriptive information presentation. These seperate sentences make it easier to follow the flow of information. It is scannable and easy to remember as opposed to the current run-on sentence. While the single sentence is complete. it is confusing in the sense that there is no subject center present. Which is why single sentence presentations are more score friendly.

Furthermore, the figure ... during the whole period.

This is nota trend. This is data presentation which should be in the report body. Actual data is not provided in the summary or trend. Only the first sentence is an actual trend.

The rest of the reporting data appears acceptable. I cannot fully review the presentation without the image reference.
gbach 3 / 8  
Oct 10, 2021   #3
@winterr
- You should use other words besides ''at roughly'' such as ''at around'', ''at about''
- Paraphrase ''while'' by '' whereas'', ''whilst''
- Paraphrase ''meanwhile'' to '' meantime'', ''at the same time''
- You use too much statistics, just point out main features. This is a trend, not a report paper
Good luck!
greencoconut 2 / 2  
Oct 11, 2021   #4
you can use "throughout the time frame, " instead of "the given period" or use "15-25 age range" beside "15-25 aged". I think you used too much subordinating conjunctions on the essay


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