Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Ielts writing task 1 : line graph - domestic access to technology


Billasd 1 / 1  
Jan 13, 2021   #1
Please give me some comments on my essay. Much appreciated!

summarize the information from the graph



The information given in the line chart illustrates the proportion of different ways ,namely CD player, mobile phone, internet access, home computer which people used to access modern technology for domestic purposes in the UK from the 1996-2003 period. Overall, it can clearly be seen that all the methods showed an uprising tendency with the CD player hitting the peak of the graph.

Looking closer into the chart, it is noticeable that the pattern of the CD player and home computer is similar in terms of the increasing trend. Initially, the CD player started at exactly 60 percent standing on the top of all four methods ;however, the home computer only began with less than half of the highest one at just under 30 percent. After that, both CD player and domestic computer gradually climbed at the same speed to over 80 and just under 60 respectively. Another interesting point is the home computer had doubled since the progress began.

On the other hand, although the mobile phone still showed an inclining trend, it fluctuated slightly through the process. In the middle of 1999, the percentage of the phone hit almost 30% surpassed the home computer. Then the internet access appeared in the beginning of 1999 at 10% and increased rapidly to over four times at 40% despite the poorer starting point compared with the others.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,909 3559  
Jan 13, 2021   #2
You are writing a task 1 essay that has a word range of 175-190 words. Although the minimum is 150, you should write at least 175 words so that you can gain a mid range scoring consideration in all aspects. Writing that number of words will also keep you within the 20 minute time range. You have written such a long essay at 226 words, that you practically presented a Task 2 essay already. This is only a simple analysis, not a personal opinion paper. Sure, you type fast and you are taking the CBT test. That still does not account for the fact that you failed to proof read your paper for GRA and LR errors.

Your first paragraph, the summary overview is confusing. The first sentence mixes 3 different information presentations in a long sentence. You misunderstood what comprises a complex sentence. A complex sentence is not based on the length of a sentence.The common definition of a complex sentence is :

A sentence or sentences that is / are made up of one independent clause (or main clause) and one or more dependent clauses (or subordinate clauses). The dependent clause is introduced and linked to the independent clause by a subordinating conjunction.

Your presentation does not follow this presentation pattern. Instead, it delivers a confusing mix of information, compressed into one sentence. You can bet that the opening sentence alone will have a heavy effect on your GRA score along with your C&C consideration. This sentence alone is enough to start your scoring basis on a failing mark. Separate the ideas into individual sentences of at least 3-5 per paragraph. That is how you avoid getting penalties in the scoring sections I mentioned. By the way, you forgot to make a reference to "domestic access" in your presentation as that is a keyword from the original that should be included as an information source in the summary presentation.

While your discussion is intricate, it is taking too long to get to the point. When you are writing a report, the reader does not have time to go through over worded presentations. Time is of the essence. The essay test is asking you quickly, but clearly and understandably present the information provided. Consider the audience you are writing for. Who are presenting this to? Professionals or lay persons? If it is for lay persons, then they do not have any interest in this wordy presentation. Get to the point already.
Tai351 2 / 4  
Jan 13, 2021   #3
In my opinion, I think that your writing is great, however, there are still few things to talk about. First, your introduction is so confusing, it should be more direct to the main point so that the examiners can easily understand it. Second, like the previous comment, your writing so long, you should stay at the 170-190 range so that you can get the best score. That's all I've got to say, good luck!
OP Billasd 1 / 1  
Jan 14, 2021   #4
@Holt @Tai351
Thanks for the comment. I will try my best to improve my skills more.


Home / Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 : line graph - domestic access to technology