The line graph indicates about the proportion of diarrhea patients in Mashhad for nine years period

The line graph indicates about the proportion of diarrhea patients in Mashhad for nine years period from 1983 until 1992. Overall, people who get diarrhea diseases rose slightly in the first four years before a significant fluctuation is occurred in the last five years. While, the figure reach a peak in 1989 and show a dramatic drop which made Mashhad free from diarrhea cases at the end of the observation in 1992.

First of all, there was a hundreds diarrhea patients in Mashhad in 1983. It remained steady for the following year, before it rose slightly for the next three years to approximately 200 cases in 1987. After which, the figure experienced a small decrease to a little less than 100 patient in 1988. Afterwards, it increased dramatically and reached a peak at a little more than 400 cases in 1989. Then it was leveled of to just over 350 patients and remained stable in the next two years. Lastly, the cases dropped enormously and no people found to be diarrhea patients in 1992. (174 words)

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The line graph indicates about the proportion of diarrhea patients ...

A breakdown of the information of the proportion of the sufferer of diarrhea in Mashhad from 1983 to 1992, a 6-year period is presented in the line graph. Overall, there was a considerable fluctuation over a period. However, it remained unchanged two early years.

@debby17

Here are some points that I think you should take into consideration to make your writing task even better:

1- It seems too mechanical and obviously you've tired to follow some rules and patterns provided by a template. So, try to make your writings more flexible and use as various words as you can.

2- Using "while" followed immediately by a "," at the beginning of a sentence seems wrong to my eyes. We normally use while at the beginning of a sentence to show a contrast between two facts. According to Wikipedia:

While can also be legitimately used in the contrastive sense, comparable to the words "although" or "whereas", provided that it is not ambiguous :

"While I like cats, my husband is allergic."
As you see, comma "," is used right after the first clause indicating a contrast between the first clause and the second one.