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[IELTS WRITING TASK 1] Line graph shows average monthly spend on children's sports and participation

mitmit 1 / 1  
Jan 7, 2021   #1
Dear forum! Thank you in advance for some comments. I'm preparing for the IELTS exam and I would like to hear your feedback on my essay.

money spent on children's sport / participation in different disciplines

The first chart provides information about how much British parents spent on their children's sports every month and the second chart presents how many children took part in three sports from 2008 to 2014.

Overall, the figure for average monthly spending experienced an upward trend. The number of participants in three sports saw an increase, albeit at different rates. However, football remained more popular than athletics and swimming.

The figure for parents' spending stood at 20 pounds at the beginning of the recorded period. By then there was a gradual increase over the following six years, before this data climbed to over 30 pounds in 2014.

Looking at the participation numbers, there were 7.5 million children who played football in 2008, while the number of swimmers was nearly 2.5 million and that of athletics participants was just less than 1 million.The following years witnessed a dramatic increase in the quantity of kids practicing athletics and swimming. In particular, the figure for swimming and athletics experienced a twofold and fivefold increase respectively. In the meanwhile, football just witnessed a slight rise but still remained as the highest figure over the time frame.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691  
Jan 8, 2021   #2
Learn to divide your statements in order to provide idea clarity. In the summary overview, you created a confusing run on sentence when the presentation should have been:

Sentence 1: Types and number of images
Sentence 2: Description of image 1
Sentence 3: Description of image 2
Sentence 4: Trend for image 1
Sentence 5: Trend for image 2

By separating the presentation information into individual sentences, the paragraph creates a clearer, more understandable, and completely developed discussion presentation. You do not score less for not writing in individual sentences. In fact, it can increase your score because you will have the chance to properly develop a simple and complex sentence presentation in every paragraph.

It is also advisable to maintain at least a 3 sentence presentation per paragraph for idea development and explanation clarity. When you have only 2 sentences, the explanation comes across as incomplete. The data presentation should contain a completely analyzed information presentation, regardless of what information you opt to share in that paragraph. It is the clarity of the explanation, based on details, that create the C&C score.
OP mitmit 1 / 1  
Jan 8, 2021   #3
Thank you for your feedback. I will try my best to fix it according to your advice.
RosieJun 1 / 3  
Jan 8, 2021   #4
Your vocabulary and grammar are good.
In the summary overview, you should show:
1. Trend
2. Order: - Highest of the highest or lowest of the lowest
- if have, you can show the greatest difference.

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