Aquarium, Castle, Zoo, and Festival visitors
The line graph illustrates the proportion of visitors to Scotland who visited four distinct attractions in Edinburgh, including the Aquarium, Castle, Zoo, and Festival, from 1980 to 2010.
In general, it is clear that the figures for tourists to the castle and zoo increased, while the number of visitors to the festival and aquarium decreased. However, the castle had a higher percentage of visitors than the other locations.
Between 1980 and 1995, the proportion of visitors to the Castle significant rose from 25% to 45%, while this figure fell at the festival by around 5%. After that, there was a gradual decline in the percentage of travelers to the Castle by about 15% from 1995 to 2010. However, the figures for tourists to the festival gradually increased from 25% to 28% during the period shown.
On the other hand, the percentage of tourists to the zoo fluctuated from around 10% to 15% between 1980 and 2000, then it significantly increased and peaked at 20% in 2010. In 1980, the figures for visitors to the aquarium were only 20%. After five years, the proportion of travelers to the Aquarium rose by 15% before it reached below 10%.
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The summary overview should have been divided into 2 sentences + the trending statement. The 2 sentences should have represented the image title and the information presentation. The outline of the 4 sections should have been a separate sentence reference. Since there are no other attractions indicated in the image, the writer should not have indicated "including" because there were no other areas to consider coming from the image.
The trending reference needed only the first 2 sentences, the third indicator was not really necessary since it did not support the high and low information requirement for the presentation. It only represented one aspect of one section and could have been better used in the analytical paragraphs.
It is not appropriate to say "On the other hand" when one did not previously refer to "on the one hand". The reference of these phrases being comparative in nature. The references balance out the paragraphs in terms of clarity and cohesiveness. When not used as a pair, the writer does not create an effective connection between paragraphs.