IELTS TASK 2 - Little leisure time and pressure to work hard on studies

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies.
What do you think are causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Tight competition leads people to study hard. As the consequence, they not only have a little leisure time but also under a huge pressure on studying. In my point of view globalization is the main causes of this condition while curriculum regulation also has to be considered. This essay will discuss some possible solution for that situation.

Globalization cannot be avoidable in this era. That circumstance leads young generation to study harder since the competitiveness occurs in every country. If the students get a good mark, that could be a benefit for them. They can apply to work in a well-known company which is offered them a huge salary.

On the other hand, thanks to a lot of pressure and a few relaxed time, students able to feel a great depression. It will lead the pupil to has disorder behavior. For instance, BBC news in 2014 reported that one of scholar student shot people randomly in a college area. After he being arrested, the further investigation reveal that man had a lot of depression due to his study. From that case the education authority must evaluate and create a regulation about time to be spent on studying. We can adopt what Japan government did, they have an obligation for every school in Japan to restrict the study time and accommodate their student's hobby. As such painting, music, sport, or another activity which are can reduce depression on study. That activities also can improve your creativity. In addition, manage your own time and do quality time with your lovely people also bring a less stress.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that the authority regulation and globalization carrying an immense pressure to study hard. Where possible government evaluate the curriculum and change it if necessary, or you can manage your time to gain less stress.

Hello bayu, let me to try give some suggestion on your passage.
It will lead the pupil to has disorder behavior - then the contributor gave correction become - It COULD lead the pupil to HAVE A DISORDERLY behavior. Here for spelling behavior becomes behaviour (as the British Language)

, BBC news in 2014 reported that one of scholar student shot people randomly in a college area. After he being arrested .
i found two of your mistakes.
you wrote " one of scholar student. It should be one of scholar students. Since you try to compare with other students.
and the second, you have to use past sentence which you typed in 2014 he being arrested. it is better if he was arrested (passive sentence)

the further investigation reveal that man ...
Do not forget about singular subject (investigation) so u have to put "s" after verb
the further investigation reveals that man ...

thanks, hope it can helps
Irfan - PES 13