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"A little love, a little pain, a little work then it's all over" - DEATH


ylarial 2 / 1  
Sep 20, 2014   #1
i need some suggestion and correction with my intro.. the body and conclusion also with my grammar. feel free to correct me :)

DEATH
"A little love, a little pain, a little work then it's all over"

Everyone will die, and that's the reality I need to face every day. Upon my birth, I was already committed to a life sentence. The truth that I don't know how and when it will happen makes it more awful. It's like a kind of virus that there is nothing I can do about it, or escape from it. I just know that it will happen "when my time comes".

Death brings fear to people; however I don't think that I am one of them. I always find myself wondering, "When will I die?", "What will be the cause of my death?" Often, when I woke up each morning, I find myself thinking, "Is it going to happen today?" again and again, when I'm going to somewhere, school or church, there's this question again "Is this the time that I will be caught in an accident?" I often find myself musing "am I going to die here? Right now?" Thinking about your own death, to many this may seems sick and unnatural habit. I can't help myself but imagine my own death. I already accepted the fact that each day, my death brings closer on my predestined day. I tend to put my thoughts in words as I do not emote physically often. I was thinking of anything I was able to do and still I enjoy. I can blink my eyes, sniff, move my hands, walk, speak laugh; all these are the blessings that I possess but the word death keeps reminding that this is just temporary. The day will come that I will breathe my last, that my soul will leave my body. I will be carried in a coffin to the graveyard. Once I'm in the grave, the soil will cover me and it will be the end of my story. I will be groping into the darkness and my whole life will be written in a marble stone. In the first day of my grave, it will be visited frequently and as time passes fewer people will come. Decades later, no one will come. At the same time, my family and fewer friends will experience agony and grief. At home, my room and bed will be empty. Some of my stuffs and the music I used to play will be replaced and deleted. And my legacy if ever I will have will be inherited. During the first year of my lost, maybe some will mourn yet some will just forget the memories I shared. Two or three years later, there will be few who remembers me. Before long, new generations will come and none of my existence will be remembered. Whether I remember or not will be no value to me. The reel deal is that the fact that I already accept that my time will come sooner or later somehow I find it strangely comforting.

Having the thought like this always caught my attention to think more often about death. It made me realized that life is the greatest give of all. Life will slip away second by second. I make plans for the day and don't think twice how those plans can be taken away in a blink of an eye. An awareness and acceptance of death enables me to live each day- each moment- filled with appreciation and knowing that the precious moments could be lost makes me treasure and enjoy my life to the fullest. I will try everything that life has to offer and do my best everyday so that I can live to the full extent and without regret.

Death, letters that make up of word that brings fear and sorrow to all people, the idea that you can't do anything to stop it, it is indeed frightening and confusing. Even if I tend to escape death it will haunt and follow me like how your shadow follows you. It is a scary thing that no matter how scared you are, it won't change a thing that I, you and everyone will die. Being aware with death will provide us on how we live our everyday lives. Accept we must, for we can't do anything else. There will be no exception because death is inevitable!

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 20, 2014   #2
ylarial, it would be easier to help you if we knew what the prompt for this essay is. At this point, only an over view can be given for your weak points. Nothing about the topic or prompt itself. I will try to give the best input I can provide :-)

- This sounds more like an effective part of a closing statement than an introduction. I suggest you try to use this as a part of your concluding statement instead.

- This is a very touching sentiment to present to the reader. However, without the prompt, I am unable to understand your mindset and the need for this discussion. Also, the paragraph is a bit too long and should therefore be cut into two. That is because you present two different topics within it. The thought of when you will die and what will happen after your death. So separate the two paragraphs for a clearer flow of thought and proper paragraph development.

- Thinking about everything I will miss when I die makes me often think about death. Contemplating my demise has made me realize that I have the greatest gift the universe can give me, life, and yet I tend to squander it on needless worry and doubts. So I have decided to not let life slip by me. I will take more chances, I will live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. I will appreciate that my life has offered and will continue to offer to me. I will treasure my precious moments with family, friends, and acquaintances. Those shall the true treasures of my life. Memories that will tell me on the day of my death that I truly lived and did not just exist in life.

- I made a suggestion about how to better construct your paragraph. I hope you like it :-)

- If you combine the statement at the start with this concluding statement, your essay closes with a very strong statement about death, acceptance, and life :-)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 21, 2014   #3
If this is supposed to be a narrative essay, why did you write it in poetry format? The format is all wrong and makes it difficult to read.If you want to write a flash forward essay, you should be writing it from the point of view of welcoming and hoping to attain death. Mention the things that will exist for you upon death. No more pain, no more problems, no more need to work, no need to be responsible for yourself or anybody, no deadlines, no pressures, nothing to make you feel stressed. You can finally relax and bask in the infinite sleep that you so look forward to attaining. Or something along those lines.

When you write about things that you will miss, you will be writing a flashback. Avoid mentioning those at all costs. The main theme of the flash forward essay is to look ahead to the future. So you need to write about the topic using a hopeful outlook. Consider the task similar to being asked the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". In this case, the question you need to answer is "What is it about death that you are looking forward to?". Answer the question in essay form and you are done :-)
SAM2014 8 / 13 3  
Sep 21, 2014   #4
I guess you write it by mobile phone or there are something wrong when you copy it from your file.


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