In fact, it's undeniable that more society develop, the higher money be valued.
In act, it is undeniable that the more the society be developed, higher the money be valued.While our ancestor's demand just is food and accommodation, people's demand nowadays not simple like that, they travelling, relaxing, and shopping to satisfy themselves and they seem can't survive without high technology such as mobile phone and internet therefore they need a huge amount of money to pay for all their demands.
This sentence is very confusing. There are some grammar issues too. Avoid writing too long sentences. Keep one idea per sentence. I feel you should rewrite this one again.
In fact, it's undeniable that more society develop,...
This body paragraph looks too long. Have one reason per body paragraph to justify your opinion and then support it with a specific example.