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Where do you want to live? traditional vs modern - 'health environment choice'


fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jan 24, 2014   #1
Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

Nowadays, most of inhabitants prefer to live in a new flat building. However, because of some reasons, others prefer to stay in classic houses which have more healthily environment during their lives. Personally, I prefer to live in a place which has good weather and could make me feel comfort when I live there.

In this globalization era, modern building such as apartments and hotels are built in the city center which has bad environment. This location was influenced by pollution from many vehicles and factories surround it. As a result, societies who live there are difficult to find green areas that could help them to get fresh air. Their lives are depended on modern equipment only such as air-conditioning, refrigerator, washing machine, and the other electronic tools. This situation brings them to a bad lifestyle because they never feel the fresh and healthy environment. Also, this could bring some danger diseases for them.

However, good comfort weather only could be found in a place which has fresh air and there are many plants that support the fresh environment there. This usually happens in some mountainous areas which has a lot of trees and flowers. So, citizens who live there would get healthier condition and of course better health quality. Every day, they can consume fresh vegetable and fruit from the garden around their house with no doubt that the plans there are influenced by dangers fertilizers.

In a nutshell, people are free to choose where they want to stay during their lives. But, they should pay more attention with the quality of places where they will life. They should consider for living in a place which has health environment. As a result, they could stay happily with their relatives for a long period. Also, they will stay healthily longer than people who stay in a bad environment place.

Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Jan 24, 2014   #2
Nowadays, most ofinhabitantsthe people prefer to live in a new flat building

Don't use synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. The words may have similar meanings, for example "smile" and "laugh", but used to describe different situations. Smile is a pleasant good gesture, but laugh can sometimes be sarcastic or rude. Likewise, be careful of using synonyms. In the above sentence "inhabitants" is not an appropriate word to use. It means that a person or animal that lives in or occupies a place. "People" is the most appropriate word to use there.
Gabriella 2 / 3  
Jan 24, 2014   #3
I think you have gone a little out of topic.
If the topic is about traditional houses or modern apartment, I think you should go with traditional house and support it with the thing you have just written.

But I think you were very good supporting your idea very specifically.^^
OP fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jan 24, 2014   #4
"People" is the most appropriate word to use there.

ok, and I have a question, how if I use word 'people' in many places in my essay, is it good or I should the other word to make the vocabulary more various?
OP fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jan 24, 2014   #5
If the topic is about traditional houses or modern apartment, I think you should go with traditional house and support it with the thing you have just written.

ok, thank you for the correction,
the question is 'Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building?'
in my essay, I mentioned that I prefer to live in traditional houses. Then, to support my answer, I mention the bad things of modern apartments and also the positive sides of traditional houses. is it wrong? or could you give my suggestion?

and Pahan and Dumi, what do you think about this? I need your help.
vijay01 3 / 6  
Jan 30, 2014   #6
You did well actually, just in the last paragraphs topic sentence you made a spelling mistake...

In a nutshell, people are free to choose where they want to stay during their lives. But, they should pay more attention with the quality of places where they will life.

... they will live.
OP fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jan 30, 2014   #7
You did well actually, just in the last paragraphs topic sentence you made a spelling mistake...

that's great,,thanks in advance for the correction, I was really unaware
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 30, 2014   #8
ok, and I have a question, how if I use word 'people' in many places in my essay, is it good or I should the other word to make the vocabulary more various?

That's not a problem. Do not use it several times in one sentence :) ... However, as Pahan said, do not use inappropriate synonyms because it may give a total different impression ruining your sentence.

This location wasCity is influenced by pollution from many vehicles and factories surround it.

... Another bad usage of synonyms.

I think you have gone a little out of topic.
If the topic is about traditional houses or modern apartment, I think you should go with traditional house and support it with the thing you have just written.
But I think you were very good supporting your idea very specifically.^^

I agree with Gabriella. Read your prompt carefully and try to align everything you write with it.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 16, 2014   #9
I think you have gone a little out of topic.
If the topic is about traditional houses or modern apartment,

I am with Gabriella. I think you should break down your prompt so you know what to do for this.

Perhaps, you may start analyzing the prompt, like this:

Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building?

This is a topic/opinion. | Focus on the central topic

Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

This is a task that should be accomplished. | Answer the task.

Here, we take a closer look at the part of your intro.

I prefer to live in a place which has good weather and could make me feel comfort when I live there.

which place do you mean? a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? You'd better go straight to the point as you write for the introductory paragraph. You may state one side, or balanced views. If you have many things crossed out, then the assessors think your writing is not more challenging to read. Remember, a clear and precise point of view.
Purwati Ayu 7 / 14 2  
Feb 17, 2014   #10
This usually happens in some mountainous areas which has a lot of trees and flowers.

word "has" refers to some mountainous areas, so you should use "have"
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 17, 2014   #11
Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building?

... this is the question posed on you by the prompt and your answer is;

Personally, I prefer to live in a place which has good weather and could make me feel comfort when I live there.

This is pretty vague and out of topic (almost everybody who provided you with their comments have mentioned that fact). When you state your opinion about an issue or answer a question, try to be very straight forward and sound more direct. It is very important for this task.

modern building such as apartments and hotels are built in the city center which has bad environment.

modern buildings such as apartments and hotels are built in the city centers and this can have a bad effect on environment.
uzboy 9 / 29  
Mar 13, 2014   #12
Your opinions and examples are quite good, however you must keep to the point as mentioned above.
and you have some vocab mistakes:

have more healthily environment

should behealthy

for living in a place which has health environment.

also should behealthy
AND:

societies who live there are difficult to find green areas

it doesn`t make sense
you might write:citizens of this kind of environment are always having problems with finding green areas
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 14, 2014   #13
be consistent with your tenses.

But,they should pay more attention with the quality of places where they will life.
They should consider for living in a place which has health environment. As a result, they could stay happily with their relatives for a long period.

I suggest you to use another appropriate pronoun (s) embody citizen, inhabitant or dweller.

I underlined the redundancy pronoun. Some tips i got from internet which might help you to improve coherence between sentence.
1. Repeat a word from the earlier sentence.
2. Use a pronoun which refer something in the earlier sentence.
3. Use words related in meaning to the earlier sentence.
4. Use the word that echo an entire idea from the earlier sentence.
5. Use demonstrative adjectives (this, that, these, those, etc.) where possible. (But try not to use them by themselves )
6. Use "markers" or cues, that indicate how two sentences relate to each other.
bwosti 5 / 11 1  
Mar 15, 2014   #14
with no doubt that the plans there are influenced by dangers fertilizers.

with no doubt that plants

with the quality of places where they will life..

with the quality of places where they will live

I think you are little bit out of topic and there are few sloppy sentence structure without proper interspersing.
Saqib 4 / 14  
Mar 15, 2014   #15
Personally, I prefer to live in a place which has good weather and could make me feel comfort when I live there.

I think this is extra as you are talking about the type of house, not the weather
sabstar 1 / 3  
Mar 17, 2014   #16
i think this sounds great. read over and explain yourself more and teachers will love it :D
JasS 10 / 30  
Mar 17, 2014   #17
a place whichwherehashave
[quote=fikri] in the city center whichwhere has

relative clause "which" refers to a whole sentence
relative clause "where" refers to a place
thuylinh 2 / 3  
Mar 18, 2014   #18
you did well, your essay structure is quite clear
techgeek 7 / 13 1  
Apr 7, 2014   #19
In the introduction, you can try to change the word 'prefer' with another one and I think it is better to finish your essay with phrases like: 'In conclusion, ..' or 'To conclude, ..', instead of 'In a nutshell' , but otherwise your essay is very good. : )
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Apr 8, 2014   #20
Would you prefer to live in a traditional house or in a modern apartment building? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

Your intro:

owadays, most of inhabitants prefer to live in a new flat building. However, because of some reasons, others prefer to stay in classic houses which have more healthily environment during their lives. Personally, I prefer to live in a place which has good weather and could make me feel comfort when I live there.

This is good, but shows complexity.

Let me give a try for the intro:
House is a place where most people spend their whole life. While some people claim that a traditional house preserves more privacy, some others argue that a modern house has an ideal location, which is mostly found in business and commercial activities. However, I would support that the traditional ones are more comforting, convenient, and peaceful.
sush2 4 / 11 1  
May 5, 2014   #21
Your overall structure of the essay and the way you supported your ideas are good. My main observation is that while taking your stance in the intro, be direct in your point.


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