Ansor, I like your efforts in putting some advance vocabularies inside the essay. Indeed, this will not escape the attention of the examiner, especially when it comes to final grade of your essay. Yet, you still need to consider that you should make it balance and less repetitive. Somehow, I found that you often use some particular words repetitively, such as for example = 4 times, firstly, secondly = two times in 2 paragraphs respectively. In addition, I also found that you first paragraph is little bit too bulky, so the detrimental effect goes to your conclusion, which was only 1 sentence. As you can see, below is some quotations of your errors, with corrections applied.
there has been increasing for people who live alone and leave their family.
the number of people who live alone and leave their family has increased.
The reasons why persons dare ......... individual life because of financial and relationship problem.
The reasons why people dare ..... individual life are because of financial and relationship issue.
vacancies so that they
vacancies, so that they
the graduate students who live in the village and they attempt
(no need to mention the subject twice) the graduate students who live in the village also attempt to
they have to live in near the working place.
they have to live near the working place
For example; the parents who have over protective to their children will make their children decide
(it should be comma, not a semicolon) For example, the parents who are over protective towards the children will make them decide..
Overall, what you need to improve is your balance in composing all the paragraphs of your essay. Make one of them at least three sentences, and try to reduce the bulkiness of some paragraphs. I hope you find my feedback is fruitful. I am looking forward to see your future essays.
Keep writing and good luck! :)