Hello everyone. I would appreciate it if you could help me with this paragraph.
where to live - in a city or in a village?
Living in a city or staying in a village both have definite benefits for people. If you live in a city, it may bring you more advantages than you can imagine. It can not be denied that the percentage of finding a good job in a city is much higher than elsewhere because it is an ideal location for many potential companies. Not only does the city bring you many unparalleled opportunities, but it also helps you to expand your circle of acquaintances for meeting new people. Another good reason to live in a big city is to access everywhere more easily via public transportations, or a short drive. On the other hand, there are also advantages when you stay in a village. It's cheaper than living in a big city, so you can save money for other things. Also, the pace of living here is not as fast as living in a city, that means you will have more quality times with your family and friends. In conclusion, if you are thinking about where to live, consider all of these benefits and make a decision that is right for you.
[Contributor] - / 7,303 1841
Nguyet, you cannot separate the word cannot into "can not" as that would be a conflicting reference. "Can" means you are able to while "not" means unable to. using the words separately means you are both able and not able to, that results in a confusing reference. While "cannot", the contracted form of the two words clearly means "unable to".
You need to learn to develop your discussion points such as "... more advantages than you can imagine." what advantages are these? Such topic references should be used only as separate paragraph openers, not as a part of a single paragraph presentation. Your paragraph is scattered and does not have any particular discussion focus which means there is no sense to the discussion that a reader can follow. It does not have a clear discussion point that tells the reader what direction the writer is leading into. That is caused by your inability to separate and properly develop your discussion topics as you are presenting partial discussions throughout one paragraph. Overall, the essay has good discussion points but makes little sense in terms of properly explanining what these discussion points are about.
Thank for your help.I know my writing skill has to be practiced more, so when I found this website, I said thank God! Thank you so much for kindly replying and pointing out my faults. I tried to rewrite this paragraph, would you mind checking it for me, please?
Living in a city or staying in a small village both have definite benefits. Living in a city which seems like the best choice for people who want to live in a modern world. In the city, there are many modern transportations that could reduce the amount of time you spend on transportations such as bus, subways or high-speed trains. It also provides many unparalleled opportunities for finding a good job because of its development and globalization. Another good reason to live in an urban area, you can find a variety of different services. For example, shopping malls with a huge number of products, or banks and hospitals. On the other hand, there are also advantages when you stay in a village. It's cheaper than living in a big city, so you can save money for other things. Also, the pace of living here is not as fast as living in a city, that means you will have more quality times with your family and friends. In conclusion, if you are thinking about where to live, consider all of these benefits and make a decision that is right for you.
[Contributor] - / 7,303 1841
Hi Nguyet, normally a new user is only allotted one response per thread from a contributor. However, I was able to get your thread exempted from that rule so I am able to come back to review this new version of your paragraph. The truth is, this is a better version of the first presentation. While it does have its grammar and sentence structure mistakes, I can safely say that, based on your skills as a beginner, you have the potential to become a well-versed English writer in the future. Your mistakes in this essay are minimal and mostly have to do with clarity than anything else. Let me show you the most basic corrections for your mistakes.
Living in a city SEEMS to be THE best choice...want to live in THE modern world.
... you spend COMMUTING VIA bus, subways...
... good reason to live in an urban area IS (remove the comma and just present a continuing sentence) ...
... find a variety of services (variety and different have the same meaning so it creates a redundancy in the sentence)...
... the pace of living THERE (do not use any first person references as you started out without referring to one, be consisted in your presentation. This is a second or third person presentation)...
Your mistakes a very minimal and can easily be explained away as I did above. Make sure to remember the corrections you were given for future application in your exercise statements. I am looking forward to reviewing more of your work soon. By the way, welcome to the forum :-)