Unanswered [31] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7


Living a simple but meaningful life is a lifestyle which you must choose.


jasonmuraira 1 / 7  
Feb 10, 2009   #1
The assignment is to write a five page essay on a subject related to the book Affluenza which discusses consumer soiety and the problems they create: mainly how people look for satisfaction in material things and are always wanting more. However it also discusses many different aspects of today's giaint consumer economy. My goal with this essay was to both address the subject and provide a possable remidy. ITs do tommorw and any feedback would be most helpful. Thanks!

Living a simple but meaningful life is a lifestyle which you must choose to want to have. We must be able to make the choices in life that make our lives relatively simple and more meaningful I strongly believe that what must of us each wants and needs most deeply is health, loving relationships, personal wisdom, meaning, and some sort of career or direction that is fulfilling. By simple, I do not mean stagnant or idle, far from it. I mean living up to our full potential and reaching to our creative peaks.

Have we ever truly asked ourselves what is the purpose of my life? Or, what do I want to do in life? I strongly believe that if we truly ask ourselves these questions, and are honest with ourselves, then we begin to live a more simple life and make more meaningful choices. We live in a culture that strongly judges us and rewards us based on our accomplishments, wealth, social standing, looks, and the opinions we hold. But are these opinions our own? Are these accomplishments that we strive to make, made so because we really wanted to or because society told us we needed to? Is our social standing the way it is because it's the one we created or the one we inherited? Our society does not richly reward, nor hold to highly the lifestyle that says "no" to many of the choices it presents; nor, does like to break from tradition. But are our traditions and our uncritical acceptance part of the problem?

Taking a look around while traveling through one of our modern cites, observing the names of the stores, the products they distribute, the way they advertise, and the purpose they serve, its not to difficult for one to see how each one thrives on the other and competes for your attention and business. It's not hard to see that a city most often is just a big advertising center and gigantic consumer center. It's not hard to see that we live in a consumer wasteland. There are so many choices out there! Our society is like a gigantic Toys R' Us except these toys can kill you, make you addicted, cause wars, harm the planet, make us and those around us miserable, and make us distrust each other. Not only are corporations and business competing for our attention and money but consumers are competing with each other to get the latest commodity. Sound like a paradox? The government wants us to join its economic crusade and enlist in the military; where they train us how to follow orders and sacrifice our humanity for duty, sacrifice our thinking for theirs, give away our freedom for their freedom. Every TV and radio station wants us to spend our leisure time with them instead of with ourselves, our family, our neighbors, and our friends. The banks and credit card companies want to give you all the debt they can so you can go out and participate in the consumer wasteland. What it boils down to is that we need to be professional choice makers today so as to not be turned into socially conditioned consuming automations. It's all a matter of choice. How do we want to live our lives?

Let's take at good look at this array of choices we are presented with. Today we have an unprecedented number of choices-we are all fit to be kings and queens. We have a incredibly vast array of career paths to choose from. There are careers in the arts, the medical industry, politics and government, business and self-employment, education, entertainment, technology. So many fields and so many choices! So what is stopping us from finding one that is just right for us? We have any spiritual tradition on earth to follow if we choose to. We have instant access to much of the world's information: and it's nearly free. We are presented with a multitude of choices regarding the foods we eat. We have food available from all around the world and the best our earth has to offer. So, what is stopping us from choosing foods that are both healthy for us and are also friendly to our environment? We have arts and crafts of every kind available.. We have the opportunity to become who ever we want to be if we allow ourselves the freedom to do so. We are the most spoiled civilization in the history of our race. With so many choices available why do so many people make unhealthy and dissatisfying ones? What's stopping us from emerging out of this labyrinth of choices smarter, happier, healthier, more alive, more humble and appreciative then generations of the past and other cultures in the present? With so many choices available why do so many people make unhealthy and dissatisfying ones? I believe it's a matter of making or not making simple and meaningful choices. We have the opportunity to become who ever we want to be; of course, only as long as we are not harming others and the planet.

How do we, with so many choices, find a path through this labyrinth that works for us and makes us grow? The first thing we need to do is give ourselves the freedom to become anything we could ever dream of being. This society offers us a lot that does not require nor deserve our attention and concern; nor should we be so susceptible to everything that is floating around in the media, in books, or in other people's heads. What is required is a conscious effort to say "no" to much of what society offers us: unhealthy foods which have long been accepted as normal eating standards: unhealthy jobs that make us miserable and do more harm to our bodies, mind, and planet than they do good; unhealthy entertainment that distorts our thoughts and leaves negative impressions of how we view each other and the world around us. We need to make dreams even if they are just fantasies: they still portray something about us and who we want to be and what we want to do. We need to make dreams that are our own and not something the television, family members, friends, or school systems told us we should dream/. We all have talents. We all have incredible potential and imaginations. Let's use them to create the life we always wanted and make the world a better place by doing so.

So how do we live a meaningful life? First off we need good health to be able to accomplish any career path we wish to travel; so choosing healthy foods and proper exercise appear to be necessities. Our bodies do not need much of the food our society offers. Second our minds can do without much the news and entertainment. They certainly do not make us happier, smarter, healthier, or more creative. Third, we need dreams and personal goals and aspirations that are deeply personal as well as lifelong ambitions. This creates our holy grail, our personal muse. Fourth we need a comfortable place to live. We are very fortunate to have so many choices where to live and be sheltered. However, living and associating with people who drag us down, have unhealthy lifestyles, and hold jobs that make them miserable is an environment in which we either chose to stay in or leave. As social beings we have a huge effect on each other, more so then we are really aware of. And the people we live with and associate with are no exception. One person's problems can be made into another's; similarly, one person's simple and healthy life style can just as easily rub off on others.

After we have food, shelter, media influence and aspirations under control we need to focus on personal growth. We need to develop a lifestyle that nurtures our passions, personal growth, health, and creativity. The next task should be abstaining adequate transportation and telecommunications. In our culture these are pretty essential while developing a career and lifestyle that fuels you ambitions. They offer opportunity, mobility, and flexibility. These can either be used carelessly and destructively, or they can be seen as tools to help us live a simple and meaningful life. The fact that we don't have to wait for days or travel long distance to communicate with our friends, family, and other associates is a wonderful accomplishment and should be appreciated not taken for granted. Transportation is necessary and should also be appreciated. However, crucial changes need to be implemented in the way we go about traveling. if we want to live healthy and in an environment that is too; we can't have one without the other. It's a wonderful luxury to be able to get from place to place so rapidly. So we have addressed what it takes to live healthy, comfortable, inspired, and mobile in our society.

Most of us want meaning and purpose in our lives; we want to contribute to the world in some way. And this means in one way or another operating with or within our society. This choice is no less important than the food we choose to fuel ourselves with. Now we must face the hardest challenge of our modern day culture: finding out what it is we want to do in our labyrinth of choice; what path is going to lead us to our holy grail. Do we want to help others, create art, teach, start a business, work in government, contribute to the advancements of science and technology, or work in the entertainment industry? We have so many choices! However like children in Toys R' Us we are unable to be satisfied with one toy and quickly move on to the next. But unlike children we have the benefit of our experienced years and what really ignites our passions. Unlike children we have been exposed to the world's injustices, tragedies, and the monstrous creature that is our society. We have experienced life's ups and downs and have some vague idea of what it means to be human. But most important we have learned that we have a choice. We know in our hearts and in our soul that a life with meaning and purpose can be lived. So, what do we want to do in life? How do we want to contribute to the world in our life. How can we live simply and healthy with ourselves, society, and our environment?

Simple, huh? Simple is not easy, especially in today's culture. There is a lot of obstacles and weight that comes with choosing to live a simple and meaningful life. Simple, means making decisions that help us become who we want to be. Simple, means choosing foods because there good for us, not because they taste good. Simple, means creating your our own dreams and ambitions because no one else can create the path we really want to travel. Simple means appreciating modern technology such as the internet, communications, and transportation for how much simpler they make our lives. Simple, means being honest with ourselves and honest to what we really want to do in life: no matter what anybody says.

Meaning? That's for each of us to decide alone. What do you want to do in life? How do you want to contribute to the world? What is the purpose of your life? What do you want the purpose of you life to be? It's your choice and there are many to choose from. Choose well and reach for your peak!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 10, 2009   #2
You have a paragraph composed mostly of questions, none of which are really rhetorical. In fact, you overuse semi-rhetorical questions throughout the essay. You might end up with a more convincing essay if you stopped to answer some of these questions.

Really, the essay needs restructuring. First, you seem to be starting from the premise that most people in today's society are dissatisfied with their lives, and/or view their lives as meaningless. What evidence do you have for this? Consider the statistics at harrisinteractive.com/harris_poll/index.asp?PID=796 which show that 94% of Americans report being satisfied with their lives. It is an often noted paradox of American culture that the vast majority of people in America (and, to a lesser extent, other Western nations) report both being satisfied with their own lives while simultaneously believing that most of the people around them are not. This may have something to do with the fact that most of the 6% who are dissatisfied with their lives tend to be found in places such as Hollywood and the media. The reasons for this are a matter of fierce debate, but one explanation that I've heard posits that most ordinary people work hard and earn about as much as their work deserves, and so take satisfaction in their money. But, in Hollywood, you get people earning millions of dollars for doing a job that really isn't worth that much (Any given movie, for instance, is worth about $12 to any single person. Actors make so much money only by selling that $12 performance over and over again to millions of people. As a result, Hollywood tends to produce many movies critical of the pursuit of wealth, because the people living their can take no satisfaction in earning far more than their efforts are worth. In any event, if you are going to write an essay about how to remedy the malaise felt by people in a consumer society, you must first establish that such malaise exists, or else choose a different thesis.

Next, you start to talk about what we have to do to live a meaningful life. None of what you mention really has anything to do with that, though. You talk about maintain good health, but many people have found meaning in undertaking dangerous endeavors that risk injury. Virtually any Olympic athlete, for instance, punishes his body so much in his youth that he guarantees health problems for himself in middle age. Likewise, you talk about avoiding people who drag us down, but many people have found meaning in trying to help such people improve their lives. All you are really describing is what most people need to be content. This has very little to do with meaning.

This post is already getting kinda long, so I'll stop here, but hopefully you get the point -- you need to think out the logic of your argument a lot more for your second draft.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 10, 2009   #4
Hey, I think this is one of the most heartfelt, thoughtful essays on EssayForum! Do not mistake Sean's criticism for something negative; good harsh criticism is the best thing for a good writer. Try to get the most out of the criticism, because nothing is as valuable to your writing as getting someone's reaction. Here in this essay, use that criticism as a guide to refine the thesis -- it is essential to be clear about what truth the essay stands for and to stick with the idea ... or at least come back to it after digression.

But you have great talent for writing. For example, this sentence has brilliant rhythm:

Taking a look around ... competes for your attention and business.

Like Sean said, too many rhetorical questions can be problematic, but I like how you use them. Your composition is so good that I kept checking this for plagiarism to see if you had copied!!

:)

Good luck!! And check out the EF_Contributor Page (link at the bottom of the screen)
OP jasonmuraira 1 / 7  
Feb 10, 2009   #5
Thanks it was writton not as argument but from the heart.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 12, 2009   #6
Yes, your style is good, and there's not much wrong with your grammar, either. As for how it was written, if you were only trying to express heartfelt emotions, then you did a great job. I assumed you were writing for a specific audience, though, namely either a teacher or a professor, and they tend to like clearly laid out logical arguments, so if you are going to be submitting this for a grade in a class of some sort, you might want to consider making the revisions I suggested.
OP jasonmuraira 1 / 7  
Feb 12, 2009   #7
Thank you. I did make many revisons and changed the thesis around. I restrcured the essay and narrowed my fucus. I decided I will save this version and use some it's themes in different essays. Your advise, though harsh, helped greatly and I thank you for spending time to help me.

The essay is something I'm still working on understanding. I write from the heart and tend to exspress my ideas and emotions: this comes exstreamly natural and easy. I haven't really cought on to the whole argument thing; I don't, in my writing try to prove anything, but rather to explore, muse, ponder, enlighten and most of all problem solve. So I've been trying to find away to bring this style into the essay realm. I know it can be done, and has been, and that it's just a matter of undersanding and practice. Again, thank you.


Home / Writing Feedback / Living a simple but meaningful life is a lifestyle which you must choose.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳