Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

"I am a loaf of bread" - Unique Personal Essay: Wanted

mneale324 4 / 15  
Sep 14, 2010   #1
Hi! I was assigned to write a personal essay with clear diction and that should be uniquely stylized. Plus my teacher hinted at using these for extra attaments for college applications. I would love to hear any sort of comments. Please don't hold back, for I am not very sensitive. Here's my go at it :

I am a slab of dough waiting to be baked in the Wonder Bread factory.
I started just like any loaf: mostly flour, yeast, eggs, a bit of salt, and water (Let's not mention all those preservatives. It is a little embarrassing to us loaves.). My life began in an enormous mixing bowl. The baker dumped my guts into this bowl and then lifted down two stainless claws to activate me. It was a muddling beginning-being blended, torn apart, and then somehow forming back together.

After my birth, I am dumped into a giant trough. I am neither alone nor scared, for I have a have a large family of future loaves. We are bonded as one ton of dough, rising as the space around us warms. We rely on each other. For if one part of the network is unusable, we all fail and are thrown out. Unlike some, my family is strong and we will be taken to the next process. But for now, we are comforted in the heat and swell with potential.

Next we must be kneaded. This is the most frightening position for loaves. The baker and his machine crash into us, pounding, bruising. Wave after wave, we are beaten down. We are not allowed to rest and are powerless against the ungodly machine. I feel battered and terribly tired, but the baker doesn't seem to notice nor care. Eventually he relents. The other loaves and I are distanced from each other due to the kneading. We are all a bit embarrassed by the way we accepted this beating without fighting back. Slowly we turn back towards each other, humbled. We bond back together to mend the tears and holes in our little network. We are a strong, sticky mass and we leave the kneading process only temporarily deflated.

Subsequently, I am parted from my family. We are placed into a gleaming machine that dismembers us from each other (At the rate of 192 loaves a minute, I am told). I am suddenly alone, thrusted into a new area in which I had never been. I speed uncontrollable down the conveyor belt. I gaze franticly around for any sense of normalcy. Finally I am deposited on a large tray, surrounded by hundreds of other balls of dough. I am told that I am waiting to be baked, waiting for my new life as a loaf to begin.

I am afraid, so very terrified, that the baker somehow messed up on me. I'm frightened that some integral piece of me is missing and that I won't be wanted. What happens then? After my arduous journey, am I simply to be thrown out? Besides, what happens if I do bake correctly? Will my short life only consist of being packaged in the bag with polka dots, only distinguishable by the color of my twist tie (Red, for I am to be baked on a Thursday)? Will I simply sit on a shelf in a local grocery store, waiting for my inevitable death?

I am a slab of dough waiting to be baked in the Wonder Bread factory. I am lingering with hundreds of others who are identical to me. We have the same stories and are made out of the same parts. Here's a secret: I hate this factory. I despise that the baker made us indistinguishable, interchangeable. For I am not the same as every other loaf, I have creases and indentations that make me unique. But as I sit here on this tray, I realize I have only one fate. I was made to be baked, and baked I must be. The timer buzzes and I realize it is my turn. Soon I will graduate from this wretched factory and enter the 'real world.'

I am a loaf of bread from the Wonder Bread Factory. I am finally done waiting.
nicmont93 4 / 9  
Sep 14, 2010   #2
you have a great essay here, however i suggest changing up sentence structure a little more. i understand your attempt at repetition for effect however you almost overload the essay with the same format of sentences.

i like your diction throughout the essay, however i think in some areas you need to use more sophisticated language (e.g., the baker somehow messed up on me)

also make sure you refrain from compound words such as I'm and make it I am. never use compound words in a formal essay!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 17, 2010   #3
Subsequently, I am parted from my family.

Ha ha ha, how dramatic. You are a good writer...

I am a loaf of bread from the Wonder Bread Factory. I am finally done waiting.

This last sentence is the only one in the whole essay that I would consider changing. The last sentence should be one that somehow completes the metaphor.

I'm frightened that some integral piece of me is missing and that I won't be wanted.---- this is beautiful.

"Hating the baker" is an interesting and powerful concept. I'll leave it to you to take inspiration from this, one of your best lines, and try to come up with a conclusion sentence that is even better than the current last sentence of this essay.

It is your fate to be baked, and you hate the baker for it... sounds like an essay about the human condition, about mortality. Yet, you made it about uniformity vs. uniqueness... Which is it? I guess you were not writing about mortality, but to me that is what this essay is about.

One of my favorites!!
OP mneale324 4 / 15  
Sep 18, 2010   #4
Thanks for the feedback!!

Nicole-- I agree about the compounds. I forgot to go back and change some of them.

Kevin-- Thank you very much. Your compliments are greatly appreciated as I'm fairly self-conscious about my writing skills. I am also taking your advice about the last sentence and am working to change it. I originally wrote this about "the system" and how we work so hard to be mainstream and fit-in. However, as I was writing this I thought about my own insecurities as a human being. I hoped to expand the metaphor and let the reader decide what interpretation to believe. Once again, I am honored that this is one of your favorites!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 21, 2010   #5
Yep, great job here... great variation of sentence length, and it is just such a cool metaphor. The word Wonder makes it extra cool as a metaphor for the body. Plus there is a Christian precedent for "bread" as "body" and... well this essay has depth that really surprised me.

Home / Writing Feedback / "I am a loaf of bread" - Unique Personal Essay: Wanted