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IELTS essay; as long as we want to live in a free society, the freedom of speech should be respected


monikan19 1 / 2  
Apr 14, 2015   #1
It's my first post here so first of all, hello everybody! :)
I'm having my IELTS exam this weekend. I've been preparing on my own, including practising essays, so I don't really know what I should think about my works. This is the newest one. I'll appreciate every single advice, especially if anybody could assess (approximately of course) which band I could achieve.

TOPIC:
Write about the following topic:
Is freedom of speech necessary in a free society?
Give reasons for your answer.


In the 21st century most of the countries in the world is ruled according to democracy. This type of politicy provides nationals with many rights, for instance, freedom of speech. Assuredly, it is an absolute necessity in a free society and, by all account, it is allowed to restrict this right.

First of all, refering to mentioned political issues, freedom of speech is a way to know opinions of the whole society. In the result, it is the easiest solution to avoid a regime of one political option. Moreover, in the long run, it also disables changing the system, for example, by replacing it with authoritarianism. Thereupon, the one right preserves other rights as well.

...

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Apr 14, 2015   #2
Welcome! Glad you're here, we've been waiting for you. ; )

Keep sentences simple. That's the secret. Good English is not complicated. Simple sentences are less likely to have errors.
In the 21st century most of the countries in the world is ruled...

Actually, you should say:

In the 21st century, most of the countries in the world is ruled according to democracy have democratic governments.

This type of politicy government provides nationals ...

First of all, refering to mentioned regarding political issues, freedom of speech is a way to know opinions of the whole society.--- This is a great sentence!

In the As a result, it is the easiest solution is to avoid a ...
MuhammadImho 17 / 12 7  
Apr 15, 2015   #3
I have some advice for you
Arrange your writing in this structure:
Introduction ----> you have to put personal statement in the last sentence
Body---> You have to give example or scientific fact for each body
Conclusion---> you should give your opinion
OP monikan19 1 / 2  
Apr 15, 2015   #4
@EF_Kevin
Thank you! To be honest, I was already told that I simple sentences are better and I really try to use them. But probably I should do it more often. :)

@MuhammadImho
Actually, I always follow this structure. Isn't it clear in my essey?
Introduction - Assuredly, it is an absolute necessity in a free society and, by all account, it is allowed to restrict this right. - if I replace Assuredly with In my opinion/I believe etc, do you think that it will be better?

Body - there are three paragraphs that I made to give examples and justify my statement
Conclusion - and again, isn't my opinion clear?

I hope you don't mind my questions. I just would like to have it explained.
sblack - / 8 4  
Apr 15, 2015   #5
I did some editing:

In the 21st century most of the countries in the world are ruled according to democracy. This type of government provides nationals with many rights, for instance, freedom of speech. Assuredly, it is an absolute necessity in a free society and, by all accounts , it is allowed to restrict this right. (this sentence seems contradictory... should free speech be a right or restricted?)

First of all, refer ring to the afore mentioned political issues, freedom of speech is a way to know the opinions of the whole society. As a result, it is the easiest solution to avoid a regime of one political option. Moreover, in the long run, it also disables changing the system, for example, by replacing it with authoritarianism. Thereupon, the one right preserves other rights as well.

Secondly, knowing various opinions of the people, sometimes even contrary ones can be used in positive way, too. To clarify, it may broaden horizons, not only in case of politics, but of every individual. Therefore, it is especially significiant to remember that apart from using freedom of speech, listening to other people is equally important. With this in mind, freely pronounced different points of view will always bring benefits for people.

However, some opponents claim that overusing this right happens too often. As a consequence, the border between free speech and an utter offence is disappearing. To some extent, it may be true, especially in situations when statements about public figures are made. Nevertheless, it must be noted that the law should not be blamed in this case but the people who use it inappropriately .

All things considered, I strongly support a statement that freedom of speech is necessary and that it is one of the basic rights nowadays. On no account should it be allowed to dissapear as long as we want to live in a free society
OP monikan19 1 / 2  
Apr 15, 2015   #6
@sblack
Thank you for your corrections.
Regarding your question - of course free speech should be a right. I should have made a more clear statement.
And I suppose that "dissapear" should be spelt "disappear", shouldn't it? But of course it only a little mistake. :)
sblack - / 8 4  
Apr 20, 2015   #7
Sorry for the spelling error, I was typing too fast. You wrote that the government should "restrict" the right of free speech, but restrict means :

1. To keep or confine within physical limits:
2. To prevent or prohibit beyond a certain limit or by restriction:

therefore be sure to change this wording if it is not what you mean


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